If you were to ask me if it makes me feel better, the answer would be no. And I know this about myself, yet I allow myself to slip into that dark little world of shit talking about someone I do not like (maybe even hate-dare I say). I've never really hated anyone before-nor have I ever had these feelings towards another human being before-so I can only assume it's hate. I don't wish them sickness, death or non-self induced suffering-so maybe hate isn't what I am feeling.
Before I go on, I want to put out into the universe how sorry I am for allowing myself to gossip the past couple of weeks. I feel badly about the joy that knowing things are not going great for someone that I "strongly dislike & possibly hate".
I realize that Miss Karma doesn't need my help. And I also realize that I probably am not creating the best karma for myself being a "gossiping hen", but I don't know how to stop myself. It's almost like I am obsessed with knowing things-and I use the excuse that I want to be informed, but it is something deeper-I know. The people closest to me, I know-are sick of me giving them updates & just talking to them about it in general. I can sense it over the phone & in person-but that doesn't stop me all the time. I spew it out like word vomit; not caring if they get it all over them or not (at first).
I pride myself on always taking the high road, as I am not someone that needs to show off my muscles or my skills to "win" a fight-I just be a good person and that to me is winning. In my life, I know there have been people who have judged me as being weak because I didn't lash out or bitch slap someone, but it isn't like I didn't want to or even could have beaten someone down for insulting me, or hurting me.....it's just not the type of person I am. I always see those type of people as trashy & not capably of intelligent thought.
But, then I gossip. It's my dark side, I guess-the thing about myself I am the least proud of.
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