Goodbye Dear Friend

Have you ever been ghosted?  Have you ever been ghosted by your best friend?  That is what happened to me, twice.  And I want to preface that I hold no ill will towards my dear friend.  I am only writing this for my own peace of mind, and to openly say goodbye!

I have been friends with a sweet lady for going on 32 years.  We have been through a lot together, marriages, divorces, loosing loved ones and the trials and tribulations any other female in America could have.  Her second marriage, moved her across the country from Florida to Washington state.  Her mom and brother live here in Florida, so she did travel to visit & so we'd see each other while she was in town, but I guess our friendship started to dwindle over those long years apart.

I tried to reach out as much as I could, and sometimes was left on read-which is fine, I get it, we are all busy!  When she first moved, she was still raising her girls & me, still raising my kids.  But a couple of years ago she just disappeared off social media, wouldn't answer my texts or answer my calls.  I tried for several months, maybe once a month for over a year but heard nothing from her.  Since her youngest daughter was still active on social media, I knew she was still on this earth with us-so I tried not to worry.

In 2023, she finally reached out-and I was so excited, she was planning on coming to Florida and we were planning on meeting up.  But she disappeared again, and I hold no hope that we will see each other again at this point, and I am truly heart broken by that.  But I have to move on, get over myself-my pride and say goodbye to my dear sweet friend.  I'll remember you and always think fondly of you.  You are a lovely person, and I miss and love you very much!

xoxo, Lela

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My Generation

 I am from a generation that used to drink water from a water hose when thirsty, but you have to let it run a few moments not to burn yourself on the sun-soaked water that was stuck in the hose.

A generation that used to take rocks and draw on the road, making hop-scotch.

A generation that played paper dolls, hopscotch, and Barbies.

A generation that had skinned up knees and elbows from skating all day on the streets.

A generation that walked to and from school, with friends daily.

A generation without a babysitter.

A generation that did their homework just to get out in the neighborhood to run around with friends.

A generation with tree houses, and that climbed trees.

A generation that collected stickers, the scratch and sniff ones were the best.

A generation that still collected soda bottles, and would cash them in for a Coke (the original) and some Lemon Heads.

A generation that knew who Holly Hobby was.

A generation of sleeping over at friends' houses, staying up late watching HBO, and playing on an Ouji board.

A generation that played board games.

A generation that had the worst fashion (in the 80's & 90's)

A generation that started the mullet, My Little Pony's, Strawberry Shortcake & the Care Bears.

A generation that used to watch Saturday morning cartoons before running out to meet up with their friends.

At the time, I didn't know it was the best generation and the best childhood.  

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Misconceptions. Confusing.

Do you ever just want to stop speaking, because maybe you just talk way to much-have to many thoughts sometimes and you made the mistake of verbalizing ideas, thoughts or share previous conversations you've had over the years?  And after you've spoken the words-someone uses them in a misinterpreted manner-and you never really know why?  It's not just simple things, the one time conversation suddenly erases someone's entire knowledge of you, that they have experienced with you, and replaced it with a misconception?  It hurts my heart to think that people are out there, sharing their incorrect version of what they think that I am.

I have found, that if you confront someone about it, or try to remind them of situations that would dispute their "claim" they get angry and say I am digging up the past.  But the fact is, the past is what proves the misconception in the first place.  And so you suddenly feel like, the people you thought really knew you (or knows you) simply doesn't.

It makes you feel very lonely.  I can tell you that.

xoxo, Lela

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My Jessica.

It's hard watching your family go through difficult times, especially when there is no way you could possibly help them.  All you can do is listen to them and offer a shoulder to cry on, a warm meal and a safe bed if they need it.

When you are in the middle of an unhealthy relationship, everything is unhealthy.  You are, your children are, your parents are.  The relationship you have with people is strained, and not just people outside the home but the people inside your home too.  You struggle to connect with your children because you are in an abusive relationship and you cannot see clearly.  You are in a constant state of "fixing", apologizing, fighting, or just picking up the pieces.  Sometimes you fall into this type of relationship because you witness it in your own life, prior to being married and having children.  There is no good excuse for allowing abuse in your home-but the mind is sick and unhealthy just like the relationship, just like the person causing the pain.  The sickness runs deep and is contagious.  It takes a strong person to say, enough and to no longer care that everyone is going to know what you've been dealing with-what your children have been dealing with.  Judging you for not leaving sooner, or for leaving at all and not fighting harder.  You have to remove the pride, remove the anger, and remove the sadness just to get through every single day after you leave.  To get healthy, to not be "sick" anymore and for your children not to be sick anymore.

My sister Jessica (www.myjessicalife.com) has broken the cycle of violence in her unhealthy home.  The evening that she made that decision was frightening and painful for not only her, but her two young daughters.  They had to flee their home for safety.  Something I know all about, doing that myself back when my two oldest children were very young.

I cannot tell you how proud I am of my baby sister for breaking her chain and the chains of her girls.  Way to go beautiful girl-there you go now!!

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Pre-Easter 2020

Well, one thing is for sure....being stuck at home for Easter just isn't the same.  Technically, it's not Easter yet-but about this time we'd be texting back and forth with family - planning a fun egg hunt with the kiddos and all the yummy food we'd be sharing together.

This year, during this pandemic, we are stuck at home (safer at home) just like everyone else in the WORLD basically.  It's hard to get supplies right now, every time we go to the grocery store they are out of basic things we are used to having easily-like eggs.  I gave up only SIX for this little experiment.  I say experiment because we didn't' have "egg dye" from the store-we used food dye that we use to color cakes and icings.  Worked perfectly though, and it's probably the same stuff just in a tablet form.  I didn't do the research on that-so don't quote me.

I used 1/2 cup of warm tap water in five different cups (wine glasses-don't judge) did about 20 drops of food coloring-and 1/2 tablespoon of white vinegar.  Then we just dropped in those lovely boiled eggs and waited a few minutes.  Oh, did I mention we did one PURPLE?  We had to add two different colors to make that......that's very technical!

We are beyond pleased with our final product.....and to prove how happy we were-Olivia and I danced around the kitchen (and living room) to some Kid Rock.

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Best Friends Trip - 2014

 I am not sure if I ever did even share these, they are not great photos, it was a dreary day - but we were together and we had fun just hanging out.  I wish I could go back to 2014 and spend this day with you all over again! Love and miss you my friend!  We need to plan another trip!  Ya hear?

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09-11-2001

18 years have gone by since this day.  An entire lifetime for some.  I don't have many words, I just want to say-I have not forgotten the sadness felt around the world on this day & every day prior.

This is a beautiful tribute.

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Home

Yesterday was particularly stressful for me at work, and I carried home my bad mood to my family.  I was not warm and loving like I can be, I was short & visibly annoyed.  Prior to my husband getting home, I had started dinner but noticed we were lacking two items for me to complete the dinner prep, so I asked him to stop after he picked up Miss O from after school.  He obliged-as he normally does.  They got home as I was just about done getting what I could complete, and Olivia and her daddy had bought me, as an extra treat my favorite drink.  Even that didn't seem to turn my mood around, sadly and looking back on it this morning I feel like such a shit head.  My husband had a meeting later that evening, so I was trying to get dinner done before he had to leave as I figured he was hungry, but instead of asking for help or anything, I just let my disapproval of him sitting in his chair relaxing get the best of me (as I had, as I mentioned a very stressful hard day at work and all I wanted to do was relax and do NOTHING).  When dinner was done, I was platting everything and he pops up and comes into the kitchen, and at that point I lost my composure and was rather nasty as I lashed out at him at how I could finish THIS up...and how he was just going to get in the way.  Did he deserve me to act like a turd towards him because he was coming in there to make his plate?  No.  I guess not, and I felt bad about it after I acted like a child-but it didn't stop me did it?

So today, as I mindlessly drive into work I notice a homeless man sitting on the side of a barrier that separated the road I was driving on from the sidewalk.  He was just sitting there, alone in the dark looking rather sad.  In fact, I normally don't feel much of anything when I see people around town, homeless or other wise - but this particular man made me feel rather shitty about myself.  Look at how much I take for granted.  I ruined for myself, a perfectly lovely evening with my entire family because I  was in a bad mood!  Shame on me.

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Never Go Back

So one of my guilty pleasures in life has always been, The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  Now, having said that I am not ashamed or proud of myself, it is what it is.  Period.  ;)

So last night, I had three episodes to catch up on and so I started watching the show, and one thing I picked up on was how different the 22 year olds act over how me and my peers act.  But, if I am being honest, I used to act that way too.

So watching the show, I was not only annoyed by how some of these "ladies" were acting but I was also embarrassed that I ever was one of them lol!

How far I've come, I would never want to go back to the crazy ignorance of  youth.  But if I could freeze time, and stay how I am now-I totally would.

I used to be petty, raunchy, flirty, flighty, and just say totally inappropriate things - for attention, for shock, for getting an edge when trying to date a new guy......so I get it, it's just hard to watch.  So, sorry older ladies and gentlemen that had to put up with me back in my young adulthood!  I hope you forgive me, and never held it against me!

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What's your hang up?

So, for a while now people have asked me "oh man you look to young to be a grandma" or "wow, when did you have your daughter 12?" or "gosh, I bet you were not ready for that"

The answer is no, nope and no way....

I am old enough to be a grandma, duh-because I am one!

I was not 12 when I had my daughter....I was 16 thank you very much.

And last but not least-I was TOTALLY ready!  I've been ready since my daughter became an adult.  This is the circle of life baby & nothing makes me happier then being this new person....this grandma!

I have no hang ups, reservations or anything going into this.  From day one, I've been nothing but excited.  I don't care if he calls me grandma, maw, ma, mimi, meme, lele, tete, old lady, old scratchy, green toe....I don't care.  I just want to love him, get to know him....watch my daughter and son-in-law raise him (from afar)....and be the best old scratchy that I can be.

I am thankful for being a younger grandma then I guess people are used to seeing.....that means I can see this baby grow into a man, and watch him has his own children....are you kidding me, how amazing is that!?

[photo credit goes to Mommy]

Love & be loved people!

xoxo, Lela

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Welcome!

Little baby Oscar Alan Costa was born at 11:56 pm (Portland Time) on September 13, 2018.  He is a 23 inch long young man, weighing in at 7 pounds 15 ounces.  He was born at 37 weeks to a exhausted mom and dad, Teresa & Alex.

I got the text about this at 4:49 am my time, while I was walking into the library to start my work day.  I am filled with so many emotions right now, happiness and joy are the first two of course.  I know that even though my daughter had a difficult time with his birth (she's been in labor since Wed morning), she is overjoyed and knowing how happy and content she is right now makes me beyond happy.  She has been wanting a baby for many many years now - and she has done it....she has a son!

I cannot wait to see his little face, and hold him in my arms.  Smell his new skin, and feel his silky hair on my finger tips.

It is such an odd feeling not being there for such an occasion.  I will fly out in 12 days though, he'll already be two weeks old at that time.  Oh man, I am one happy mama and grandma.....

(PHOTO CREDIT GOES TO DADDY)

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First Day of School 2018

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Almost Five

Little O will be 5 years old August 12th.  The day after her birthday she embarks on her educational career at CCES as a Kindergartner!  She says she is nervous about starting a new school, meeting new people and not knowing what she'll be learning.  I keep telling her how exciting it will be and how much fun she's going to have.  She's not so sure yet.  I cannot wait to hear how her first day of school goes & I cannot wait to meet her teacher.  I cannot wait to be an active parent in her classroom on my Monday's off work.  I cannot wait to go on field trips and eat lunches with her during parent lunching days.  I cannot wait to get the sweet mothers day gifts they make in class, or the Christmas ornaments they make to hang on our tree this year.  This is such a small thing, a small part of her big life but it is so important and so much fun.  I missed so much with the older kids, because I was working so much and now, I am older and am more relaxed at work I can sit back and really enjoy my time (hopefully).

xoxo, Lela

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