A Good Mother

I have been a mother since I was 16 years old.  I am a biological mother and I am a stepmother.  I am a good mother.  I am a growing and learning mother.  I am not the same mother I was when I was 16 years old, and I am not the same mother I was last month.

I am a good mother because I never stopped being a mother.  I never gave up on myself, or the children I was put on this earth to mother.  I never abandoned anyone.

I am a good mother because no matter what struggles I had, and challenges presented to me on a personal and emotional level, I still loved my children.  Plain and simple.

I am a good mother because if I had a horrible day, not being a good mother-I woke up the next day with a fresh mind and heart and continued to do the best I could.

I am a good mother because I have learned how to forgive myself for my mistakes, no matter how big or how small.

I am a good mother because I don't allow my children to see when they have hurt me, or when things they say or do hurts me to the core.

I am a good mother because I keep my mouth shut, well-because I have learned to keep my mouth shut & pick my battles carefully.

I am a good mother because I did not step in and help my children when they thought I should help them, I let them figure it out on their own.  But little do they know, I was always watching to see them figure it out and would have stepped in and have stepped in when the time came.

I am a good mother, because I would cry myself to sleep some nights with the worry of just trying to be a good mother.

I am a good mother because I see my own flaws and the flaws of my children and I love them, and myself (now) unconditionally.

I am a good mother because of my mother, and the things she has taught me about life and about being a mother.  Things that I do myself as a mother-or things I chose not to do that she did as a mother.

I am a good mother because I talk to other mothers, giving them advice, support, understanding, and do not judge them for mistakes I can clearly see they are making-but not recognizing and I do not point those out to them.

I am a good mother.

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O has feelings.....

I hate it when one of my kids are hurting, or are feeling confused and there is literally nothing I can do about it.

Yesterday evening, Miss O gets off the phone with her Bio-mom and I can see she's been crying.  I ask her what is the matter and she said that she had talked to her mom about how come she takes her baby brother to daycare and drives him and picks him up but she doesn't do it for her.

What can you even say to a child about that?  I said, well what did she say.  O said that she just said that she couldn't because it would cost her to much money.  In her mind, I could tell she doesn't understand how come she'd spend the money for one child and not the other.

I had to take a moment to think of my next words, as I don't like to express my feelings if I am upset with another adult, especially an adult that my child loves so much.  I simply told her that her mom makes choices that are best for how her life is, just like me and dad do......but just because she doesn't get you every other week & take you to daycare, or take you to school and pick you up doesn't mean she doesn't love you.  It doesn't mean she doesn't love you as much as the little brother. It just means she can't, at this time.  And how lucky she is that dad and I can.  She smiled, but you could see her heart was still heavy.

I gave her extra lovings and we watched a chick-flick.

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Full Stop

It's hard to have a tender-hearted child, especially when they are slightly self-centered (like most children).  They get their feelings hurt so quickly, and mostly by the people they love the most in life.  Adults should know better, they should know the triggers their children have and really work to avoid hurting their children at all costs.  Not rub their noses in things-knowing it will hurt them.

I am not a fan of adults that make excuses for their bad behavior either.  Just fess up, don't make stuff up to make yourself look better or to pass the blame on to other people.  Just say you forgot, or you didn't want to do it don't say, oh well I tried-sorry about your luck-knowing good and well you did not try.

Life is to short to not just be honest, and kind.  That's all I want from everyone in my life to be honest and kind.  Is that too much to ask for?

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Christmas at Granny Johnson's

These photos pretty much sum up all these cousins.  Fun, wild, crazy, loving, caring and just straight up adorable.  We had such a fun Christmas Day with Granny Johnson this year, we are so blessed to have such an amazing family on all sides.  And we were lucky enough to have Gavin home for the season!

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Forever 46

I met Gavin's dad while I was working at a college in the largest city from where I grew up, he worked as a student assistant and for some reason we hit it off.  I hadn't really dated much after my break up with Teresa's dad because it was hard being a young woman, working and raising a child on your own-but I was lonely and it was nice having a guy pay attention to me.  I was 20 when we met & he was 21.  He was vibrant, fun, outgoing and had a lot of friends and a wonderful family.  He was very different then me, who was very shy and introverted.  He brought fun into my life, and I got caught up in that rather quickly, and not to mention just wanted to be a part of his amazing family who I fell in love with probably more then I did with him-looking back.  I got pregnant with Gavin before we were married, I am sure from the outside looking in I was not really what a mom or sister would want for their son/brother to marry.  A single pregnant mom.  But they welcomed me into their lives and we were married and had Gavin by the time I was 23, him 24.

Our marriage struggled from the start.  He was an addict and an alcoholic, who would become a little violent when using and horribly mean.  When we dated, I thought it was just something he did because he was young and didn't have a family of his own to worry about and take care of, but he continued down that path and it became a real problem for me and for the kids, especially my firstborn.  We started to fight, and the love went out of our marriage really quickly after that.  I was left alone, all night after working all day and often on the weekends. He didn't enjoy going to my families house-so I would do family things without him including vacations unless it was to visit his grandparents in Alabama for Thanksgiving/Christmas.  That was one of the best parts of our year, traveling to Alabama to visit his grandparents on both sides of the family, the Dawson's and the York's.  They were also very welcoming, loving, and generous.

After we were married and Gavin was born, his grandma and grandpa Dawson's purchased five acres in Newberry for us to start our life together, in our own home.  We bought a manufactured home and set up shop.  I thought for sure, living further away from Gainesville and the pull of that life-style he would stop doing some of the things he was doing, but it just progressively got worse.

I got distant from him being alone all the time and I emotionally got caught up in a new person as our relationship broke down.  This of course caused us more issues, and looking back I wish I would have just left right away and not allowed things to spiral out of control.  I never was able to tell him I was sorry for the pain I caused him, and I won't get that chance ever again.  I did end up leaving one evening after an abusive fight where I was being choked and my young daughter yelling "don't kill my mom".  I knew I couldn't say there any longer.  I had to leave, and so I did to save all of our lives.

As the years went on, I was off living my new life & he was still in our old home in Newberry.  Gavin would visit him every other weekend for a while, but there were several turns of events that changed Ralph's life forever.  His father passed away, Christmas Eve 2003-he was just 48 years old.  A few years later, Ralph was in a car accident that caused him to sustain a traumatic back injury that left him in constant pain.  Eventually he lost everything, his job as an RN at a local hospital, his new wife and the daughter they had between them-as that relationship couldn't survive under his addictions either.  He just progressively got worse and worst, where he was getting in trouble with the law, moving other users into his home which is now unlivable and eventually losing his life to his disease/addiction on Friday, October 4, 2019 just shy of his 47th birthday.

When Gavin called me to tell me about the passing of his father, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was honestly devastated, I just couldn't stop thinking about his beautiful mom and sister and the agony they were going through knowing they not only lost their son/brother but how they lost him.  My heart was broken for my son.  I had not seen Ralph since the photos posted below, but every time someone in my family would run into him they would call me and tell me they saw him, and either tell me "he looked so much better..." or "oh Lela he looks so rough......is there anything you think we can do?".  But there isn't anything anyone could have done.

His mom took care of Ralph's basic needs the best she could, without getting too involved in his addiction.  It was very hard on her to help her son out, especially when people would say she was just enabling him.  But what do you do, when your only son-your firstborn needs you?  You do the best you can for them & so she did.  I told you she was a wonderful person.  I am just better knowing her and having her in my life.  My son is a lucky young man to have such a strong, persevering woman in his corner.

Goodbye Ralph, though our story was short I will remember you always the way you were when you were 21-even though you are forever 46.

(this post is ongoing-I will post photos of Gavin and his father when he was young soon).

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Happy 17th Kid

Well today is the 17th birthday of my baby, my youngest natural born child-my darling and sweet Weston.  He is such a good kid, funny-smart, kind-thoughtful, generous, loving.....I could go on and on.

He is with is dad this week, so we don't get to celebrate his actual birthday together-and I hope his dad gets him a cake-because 9 years ago to the day Weston asked me "Momma, are you going to get me a cake for my birthday this year, because without a cake it's just any other day!".  And I certainly do not want him to have a "just another day" kind of day on his birthday!

And some random photos of him growing up.....<3 but not baby photos......

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Who's socks are those?

Well, we got ourselves a wild one ya'll.  So here is the story....yesterday, while at work I get a call from Miss O's school, it's her teacher, frustration in her voice she asks me what time we dropped her off at school today.  I had no idea where this was going, but I let her know that she actually rode the bus today, and she sighs and begins to explain to me that she is going to have to send her to the office because she and her little friend showed up to class 15 minutes late again.

When her teacher asked each of the girls where they were, neither had an answer (or just wouldn't answer), but Mrs. B did know that they were found in the bathroom together, "doing God knows what".....she expressed.  Before she sent her to speak to the Mr. J, I did have a chance to talk to O.  She didn't have an answer for me to why she was roaming around on campus, just "I don't know....." was said to me over and over again, in a small meek voice.  Since this was the second time she has come to class late and been caught not being where she was supposed to be, I told her that she would be in trouble when she got home......

Fast forward to the evening and my darling daughter comes in the house, swiftly walking through the house towards her bedroom - passing by me I say "Hey girl....wait OMG who's clothes are those?"...thinking maybe she had an accident at school or something, heck it happens-she's six.  She doesn't answer me-just gives me the side eye and a "sad face", she just keeps walking quickly to her room crying a little.  But my husband, who was the one that brought her home from after school is walking through the door now and yells "THEY ARE J'S LELA, THEY SWITCHED CLOTHES IN THE F'IN BATHROOM, THAT'S WHAT THEY WERE DOING.  THEY CHANGED INTO EACH OTHERS CLOTHES, THEY CHANGE EVERYTHING LELA, EVEN THEIR F'IN UNDERWEAR & SOCKS!  WHAT THE HELL?".

I have to admit, I was a little speechless.  I mean, what?  I guess my husband saw the look on my face because he repeated himself "yeah, underwear, socks, shoes.....every single thing....I mean, look at the shoes, they are way to big...." at that point, I had to hide my laughter-keep it down because apparently the conversation with our sweet girl really pissed him off, he was HOT!  Y'all pray for that girl, lol-and pray for us!

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Adult Bullys

So like most moms, I took some cell phone pictures of the kids when they were dressed and ready for school, to memorialize the special day.  When I post these pictures, I of course never think about the fact that people are assholes and someone may end up sending me a message basically bullying my child.

Monday, I get a message from a "friend" on facebook saying "I know it seems early but we should wax/shape Olivia's gorgeous thick brows eeek".  It took me a day to respond because I really just wanted to say a lot of really ugly things followed up with a few cuss words - one of them starting with the letter F and ending in You! I'm sure you get my point.  But in the end, I acted like a lady and just responded "thanks for the suggestion, we probably won't be waxing her face at six years old though".  And just left it at that.  Well I thought I left it at that.

Tuesday, I get a message from a "friend" on facebook saying "you know, they make those Invisalign braces for kids now...." yeah no shit Sherlock.  I responded right away with this one, and said basically that her dentist didn't have an issue with her teeth - in fact he liked it when children had a gap because it gave more room for the big teeth to come in.  I'm just so----annoyed that people would take the time to reach out to discuss how she looks.  Like it was bothering them or something.

Look-we are aware that Olivia has bushy eye brows and a gap.  We are aware that eventually, she will get insecure about them - especially if one of these assholes happens to say something to her face to face and not just through me.  We have talked to her about her teeth and she has seen a dentist who did not refer her to an orthodontist.  We have talked to her eye brows when her brothers have teased her about having a unibrow and told her we would happily help pluck the few hairs between the brows.  But if you know her and know her face-you'll notice that there isn't really a lot of hair there-there is however some darker skin then the rest of her face-and the way her face was made seems to help define it when she is smiling or when her face is resting-she has very expressive brows.

We personally love these things about her and we want her to love these things about herself too.  We want her to be proud of who she is and how she looks, regardless of what YOU think needs to change.  All that matters is how SHE feels about herself.  Kids get enough shit from humans their own age, they damn sure don't need some grown ass woman or man expressing their uninvited, unwanted, unwarranted and bully ass opinion.

This is the photo that sparked the cyber bullies!

Please excuse the choker as well-I was also told that person number two was very concerned about it. I don't know why, I didn't ask-I simply said what I wanted to say about the braces and then deleted them and blocked them from social media.  I figure it was for the best, didn't want to bother them with horrible images of my sweet girl.

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Meet the Teacher

Yesterday was Meet the Teacher day where my daughter goes to school.  She is starting the 1st grade this year and is rather excited.  Her teacher is young, sweet and seems to have lots of energy.  I am anxious to see how her personality meshes with sweet little O.  This particular "visit" to the school is special, in many ways-but for me personally it was difficult and nerve wracking.

For those of you that know my story, you'll understand why.  Yesterday was the first day, in 6 years that I've had to be face to face with Miss O's biological mom-just the two of us.  I thought it would be horrible, and I thought I'd act weird-and physically show that I was anxious, nervous and feeling awkward about the entire thing.  I never thought about how she'd be feeling-because when she asked if she could go to her Open House "....do you mind?"  And if the truth be told, I did mind.  I wasn't sure how it would all work-as I said before & how I would act or come off as acting.  I was nervous that O would pull away from me, and sort of treat me differently if it were the two of us standing there.  She sees me all the time, so I figured it would be only natural for her to be overly excited that here mom had come to this-and she hadn't seen her mom in two weeks at this point.  I was nervous that I would be jealous, or that she would be jealous if Olivia was hanging on me.  I was worried that she would cry when we went to leave, because she would want to go with her mom and not come home with me.  I'm not the fun every other weekend mom, I'm the strict mom that has to keep her in line every day.

O and I had errands to run, and since I took the entire day off I was trying to make good use of our time.  But my time management isn't the best-it seems so we got done with our errands faster then I originally designed & were at the school an hour and 15 mins before we had agreed to meet up.  I called and asked if she could make it sooner-and I didn't figure that would be an issue since she was getting off early-but I guess something came up and she was still in Gainesville.  O was pretty excited-so we sat in the car and waiting for the event to start & went ahead in went in to do the "not fun stuff"-filling out paperwork.  By the time I signed her up for after school, signed up to be a volunteer, talked to someone about PTO and filled out the registration papers, her mom had arrived (in the pouring rain).

Standing there with her at first was weird at first-but I think both our nerves relaxed a little and it wasn't to bad.  I surprised myself.

When we left the classroom-she walked O to the car and strapped her in.  O wasn't ready to say goodbye-poor thing.  But she gets to see her today-so she was happy about that.

We went home, did some more of her summer work, put some puzzles together, talked & talked...and played.  All in all-a good day!

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2019 All Stars

One thing I am not, is a sports photographer.  I have always struggled taking photos of young children in a group that is this large-because they don't all just do what they are supposed to at the same time.  They all blink or get distracted if you are taking to long.  I literally took about 20 photos and this is the best one I could get of the 2019 Seniors All-Stars!  They have their first game on Friday, so despite not all of them paying attention-I'd like with wish them luck.

xoxo, Lela

ps.  as you can see, my child is paying attention and was in all the other photos too!  Good boy X.

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