A Good Mother

I have been a mother since I was 16 years old.  I am a biological mother and I am a stepmother.  I am a good mother.  I am a growing and learning mother.  I am not the same mother I was when I was 16 years old, and I am not the same mother I was last month.

I am a good mother because I never stopped being a mother.  I never gave up on myself, or the children I was put on this earth to mother.  I never abandoned anyone.

I am a good mother because no matter what struggles I had, and challenges presented to me on a personal and emotional level, I still loved my children.  Plain and simple.

I am a good mother because if I had a horrible day, not being a good mother-I woke up the next day with a fresh mind and heart and continued to do the best I could.

I am a good mother because I have learned how to forgive myself for my mistakes, no matter how big or how small.

I am a good mother because I don't allow my children to see when they have hurt me, or when things they say or do hurts me to the core.

I am a good mother because I keep my mouth shut, well-because I have learned to keep my mouth shut & pick my battles carefully.

I am a good mother because I did not step in and help my children when they thought I should help them, I let them figure it out on their own.  But little do they know, I was always watching to see them figure it out and would have stepped in and have stepped in when the time came.

I am a good mother, because I would cry myself to sleep some nights with the worry of just trying to be a good mother.

I am a good mother because I see my own flaws and the flaws of my children and I love them, and myself (now) unconditionally.

I am a good mother because of my mother, and the things she has taught me about life and about being a mother.  Things that I do myself as a mother-or things I chose not to do that she did as a mother.

I am a good mother because I talk to other mothers, giving them advice, support, understanding, and do not judge them for mistakes I can clearly see they are making-but not recognizing and I do not point those out to them.

I am a good mother.

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Gaslighting

My sister Jessica and I were chatting this morning, discussing our childhood and our recent visit to see our father.  She used the term "gaslighting" to describe what our father does to me (us). I wasn't sure what that term meant, I've heard it before but I've never used it in a sentence or really thought much of it until she said it to me again.  I looked it up, and low and behold that is my father to a tee.  I don't know if he even knows he's doing it though, which would make him far less "evil" right?  But what if he does know?  It's a scary thought.   I won't get into the nitty-gritty of my past, but this is some food for thought for sure.

I don't like posting about my past to much, as I don't want to hurt someone's feelings if they happen to come across it.  But watching my BABY sister be more open and honest, gives me a little courage.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes including low self-esteem. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's beliefs. Instances can range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents occurred, to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

Source:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

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Beach Day

We don't really get out much these days, and you know why (COVID19) is keeping all of us home more.....but as Florida opens back up, so does my sense of adventure.  I decided on Monday to take the day off and drag my three littles still left in the nest and meet up with my sister Jessica at Crescent Beach for the day. I am sure glad we did, because we had the best time.  I am so lucky to have some amazing ladies in my life, particularly my family!

Just when I am feeling alone, there is my sister(s), showing me I am never alone.

I am so blessed.

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Enough

When do you think enough is enough?  Is it years, months, weeks, days.....when do you think it's okay to say "stop, or I am done" even when it's a family member who you love dearly!?

For the past several years now, I have been dealing with a family member who seemingly goes out of their way to make me feel like shit.  And in saying that, they would respond that perhaps I feel that way because of something I've done....not taking responsibility while preaching that people who are wrong always blame the other person while they are blaming the other person!  Ironic isn't it?

I can see my flaws, I can see my current and past mistakes and I have come to terms with them and I have apologized for them-full stop, with no excuses.  But nothing changes.

When is enough, enough?  At some point, doesn't it just become abuse?

Having someone in your life like this; makes you not want to reach out to them, makes you not want to spend time with them or even talk to them on the phone.  This causes more issues with that person, then you're an asshole because you don't communicate as much as they think you should.  But again, in doing it this way I am saving myself the anxiety of the relationship and the conversations which are always about them, how they feel, what was done wrong to them, and how great they are all the time.

It's exhausting.  So when is enough, enough?  Can you in good conscious write someone off who is a family member?  I am not sure what the answer is, as I have never done it before.  When I have tried to pull away other family members berated me for it.  Trying to and being successful at making me feel like I am doing a shitty thing.  Even though they know the struggle I go through with this individual.

There is no point in confrontation, all that does it fuel the fire.  There is no point in telling them my opinions or what I am up to because they never take it in a positive way, it always turns into something negative.  If I say, I am going to the grocery store today - I would hear "I wish I had some food to eat.....must be nice!".  I am being dramatic with that one, but I didn't want to use a real example.

It's exhausting.  So when is enough, enough?  I wake up every day thinking about this person, hoping they are okay-as I know they are dealing with some medical issues right now which is another reason why I don't just explode - they would just use their condition to gain sympathy from me & everyone else they told about our "discussion" so no matter what, I am always the bad guy in their eyes.  And in me speaking; proves that to them.  But being quiet proves to them I don't care (to them).  It's an impossible situation.

It's an exhausting, impossible situation that I can't get away from.

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FL to NC to FL again

Our beautiful, strong, amazingly smart and kind oldest son returned safely from Kuwait.  He was in staging/quarantine for fourteen days before we were able to see him.  We took off a few days, loaded up his truck and ours, and set our map to Fayetteville NC (Fort Bragg).

I feel so blessed and happy to have him back stateside.....and so does Olivia as you can see.

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Heat of Summer

We had a pretty rough week last week, our AC broke on Sunday & we finally got it up and running on Thursday!  It was a long-hot week.  I am sure you can appreciate having an AC in the middle of May-in Florida!  It's like basically all you've ever wanted or needed.

After a hot week, we finally were cooled off and able to do some house chores (because who wants to clean inside a house that is 90 degrees?  Olivia cleaned her room herself, and we were so proud of her we had to take a photo.....I know it's not perfect but it's darn good for a kid who hates to clean her room!

When I wasn't working I did try out my hand at some smash (with a hammer) floral art.  The first is some marigolds and the second is some parsley!  They are not perfect, but not bad for my first try!  I cannot wait to try it again on some nicer paper!

And of course, in the heat of the summer a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.....lol

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Full Stop

It's hard to have a tender-hearted child, especially when they are slightly self-centered (like most children).  They get their feelings hurt so quickly, and mostly by the people they love the most in life.  Adults should know better, they should know the triggers their children have and really work to avoid hurting their children at all costs.  Not rub their noses in things-knowing it will hurt them.

I am not a fan of adults that make excuses for their bad behavior either.  Just fess up, don't make stuff up to make yourself look better or to pass the blame on to other people.  Just say you forgot, or you didn't want to do it don't say, oh well I tried-sorry about your luck-knowing good and well you did not try.

Life is to short to not just be honest, and kind.  That's all I want from everyone in my life to be honest and kind.  Is that too much to ask for?

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