A Good Mother

I have been a mother since I was 16 years old.  I am a biological mother and I am a stepmother.  I am a good mother.  I am a growing and learning mother.  I am not the same mother I was when I was 16 years old, and I am not the same mother I was last month.

I am a good mother because I never stopped being a mother.  I never gave up on myself, or the children I was put on this earth to mother.  I never abandoned anyone.

I am a good mother because no matter what struggles I had, and challenges presented to me on a personal and emotional level, I still loved my children.  Plain and simple.

I am a good mother because if I had a horrible day, not being a good mother-I woke up the next day with a fresh mind and heart and continued to do the best I could.

I am a good mother because I have learned how to forgive myself for my mistakes, no matter how big or how small.

I am a good mother because I don't allow my children to see when they have hurt me, or when things they say or do hurts me to the core.

I am a good mother because I keep my mouth shut, well-because I have learned to keep my mouth shut & pick my battles carefully.

I am a good mother because I did not step in and help my children when they thought I should help them, I let them figure it out on their own.  But little do they know, I was always watching to see them figure it out and would have stepped in and have stepped in when the time came.

I am a good mother, because I would cry myself to sleep some nights with the worry of just trying to be a good mother.

I am a good mother because I see my own flaws and the flaws of my children and I love them, and myself (now) unconditionally.

I am a good mother because of my mother, and the things she has taught me about life and about being a mother.  Things that I do myself as a mother-or things I chose not to do that she did as a mother.

I am a good mother because I talk to other mothers, giving them advice, support, understanding, and do not judge them for mistakes I can clearly see they are making-but not recognizing and I do not point those out to them.

I am a good mother.

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O has feelings.....

I hate it when one of my kids are hurting, or are feeling confused and there is literally nothing I can do about it.

Yesterday evening, Miss O gets off the phone with her Bio-mom and I can see she's been crying.  I ask her what is the matter and she said that she had talked to her mom about how come she takes her baby brother to daycare and drives him and picks him up but she doesn't do it for her.

What can you even say to a child about that?  I said, well what did she say.  O said that she just said that she couldn't because it would cost her to much money.  In her mind, I could tell she doesn't understand how come she'd spend the money for one child and not the other.

I had to take a moment to think of my next words, as I don't like to express my feelings if I am upset with another adult, especially an adult that my child loves so much.  I simply told her that her mom makes choices that are best for how her life is, just like me and dad do......but just because she doesn't get you every other week & take you to daycare, or take you to school and pick you up doesn't mean she doesn't love you.  It doesn't mean she doesn't love you as much as the little brother. It just means she can't, at this time.  And how lucky she is that dad and I can.  She smiled, but you could see her heart was still heavy.

I gave her extra lovings and we watched a chick-flick.

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Monday Mashup!

Not many words are needed to really express the relationship that she and I have.  It is safe to say we are in this wicked world together, and we make a great team.

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I'm Tired!

Why does it seem like everyone gets a break but me?

When I want a day off from work, I still have to manage things like getting a child to school & home from school Monday through Friday.  When I want a day off work, I still have to cook, clean and do laundry.  Did I mention, I am "just the stepmom"....and I say that not because that is how I feel.  Not that part anyway, but often I do feel a bit put upon by everyone in my family, and not in my family.

Maybe, early on-I took on to much, trying to be so helpful and useful, so I didn't dwell in my own misery-I cannot say because that was so long ago, all I do know is that I would love to have a day off work, and a day off home.  A real day at home without anyone needing me for anything, but just me reading, knitting, or cooking something I want to cook and enjoy.

Do all moms feel like this?

xoxo, Lela

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Are you "REAL"?

Last night, Olivia was talking to her biological mom on the phone and I overheard part of her conversation...it went something like this.....

"You're my real mom....and daddy is my real dad"
"yep that's right"
"Yeah, and that's why I love you two the most because you're my real mom and dad"
"well you love mama too"
"yeah, I love her too"

I want to get my feelings out in the open.  The truth is, I am her real parent too.  I don't know why someone would use the term real-it just implies that there is a unreal or a fake.  I am a real parent.  I am her real mom, too.

I am not, however, her biological mother.  I know the term is being used outside of our home, as we don't use the word real or fake/not real/unreal.  If the question or comment comes up, I use the term biological-because that is what it is.

When Olivia got off the phone, she told me that I was her "real" mom too, and that she loved me so so so much.  Maybe she sensed that it may have hurt my feelings, I am not sure.  I told her that it was okay, she didn't need to explain that to me but I did want to explain something to her.

I said.....
"what if you heard me say, Weston is my REAL son and I love him the most, how would you feel?"
"it would hurt my feelings - because I am your REAL daughter"
"I said, yes you are my REAL daughter and I am your REAL mother - but I am not your biological mother-Alicia is"

I wake her every Monday for school, I pick her up after school & we do home work.  I buy her monthly school snacks.  I pick her up from after school care every Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday.  I wash all her clothes, I cook all her meals, I give her her medicine, I read to her and make sure she brushes her teeth.  I worry about her feelings, and fill all her needs on a day to day basis.  I'd say, I'm pretty real ya'll.....

After my conversation with her.....she passed out.

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G, W, X & Miss O

Our mini vacation with Gavin is coming to an end, he'll be leaving for North Carolina Saturday morning - so this is our last week with him.  Sucks that I have to work, but things are so crazy at the office right now and I already have vacation scheduled for the first two weeks of July!  So we'll have to plan to go see him in his new town......I am sure I'll love North Carolina.  :)

The other day, Gavin decided last minute to go visit a friend who was traveling through town (a guy he met in Alaska).  He hadn't been gone more then two minutes when Olivia piped up and said "I miss Gavin".  I laughed a bit and reminded her he had just left - and how he'd be back soon and she reminded me again how much she missed him still.  I asked her what she was going to do when he left on Saturday for North Carolina and she simply said (and she meant it) "FREAK OUT!"....I tried hard not to laugh-but how sweet is that child?  We will all miss him.

On Monday I took the kids to lunch and run a few errands.  They graced me with a few smiles-and here is our outcome :)

xoxo, Lela

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She & I | Blog Refocus

As I've said before-this blog was originally created just to get "stuff off my chest" and to capture moments in time, I wanted to remember forever-without putting on facebook or instagram, an online journal if you will.

I have a horrible memory, and I do want to remember my joys & pains.  I want to look back on them and reflect on my personal growth.  I also want it to be in the universe that I existed, even in my own small way.  It has been my intention, as well - to start blogging more specifically gearing towards my life as a mother and more specifically a bonus mom to Olivia.  Because, she & I have a beautiful story to tell.

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Step Mom Problems

Step-mom bitch for the day!  I don't know, but when a certain someone texts and says "give O a hug and a kiss from mommy" I get beyond annoyed.  All I want to say is "F-you b****, I am the mommy...." or at the very least mommy too!  You'll have better luck saying give her a kiss from "me".......but I guess she doesn't realize or even think about what Olivia calls me.  She may call me by name to you.....but she calls me mommy/momma at home (our house).....and she uses YOUR GIVEN NAME when referring to you when speaking to us.  If I was to kiss her and say, this is from mommy-she'd think it was from ME!!!!!!!!  And guess what else, if Billy does it-she'll think the same thing & probably wonder why I am not giving it to her myself.  That O is a smart girl!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Honest Words from X

Being told that you're the best thing that has ever happened to someone is amazing to hear from anyone, but being told that by a child - it really is priceless.

Last night, after dinner, X came up to me and said "Lela, I love you so much - you'll never know how much.  You're the best thing that could have ever happened to me and I don't know what I'd do without you, I never want to be without you!"  All I could do was hug him to keep from crying.

I knew being a mom was a calling that I would never not answer.  I never knew that I would be a step mom, never envisioned that as my life.  I always thought I'd marry the man of my dreams, we'd have a bunch of children & then grow old together.  Life handed me another option, more choices, tough choices in leaving my children's dads...and marring a man with a child.  Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's really really hard and I have wanted to give up more times then I'd like to admit - but I didn't, and just when you think you're not noticed - bam, they hit you right in the feels.....and bring you back to "I appreciate you status".  I love this kid, more then HE'LL ever know.  I choose to love you and you me.  It's a bond that won't be broken!  Can't wait to see what you do with this life kiddo!

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