Goodbye Dear Friend

Have you ever been ghosted?  Have you ever been ghosted by your best friend?  That is what happened to me, twice.  And I want to preface that I hold no ill will towards my dear friend.  I am only writing this for my own peace of mind, and to openly say goodbye!

I have been friends with a sweet lady for going on 32 years.  We have been through a lot together, marriages, divorces, loosing loved ones and the trials and tribulations any other female in America could have.  Her second marriage, moved her across the country from Florida to Washington state.  Her mom and brother live here in Florida, so she did travel to visit & so we'd see each other while she was in town, but I guess our friendship started to dwindle over those long years apart.

I tried to reach out as much as I could, and sometimes was left on read-which is fine, I get it, we are all busy!  When she first moved, she was still raising her girls & me, still raising my kids.  But a couple of years ago she just disappeared off social media, wouldn't answer my texts or answer my calls.  I tried for several months, maybe once a month for over a year but heard nothing from her.  Since her youngest daughter was still active on social media, I knew she was still on this earth with us-so I tried not to worry.

In 2023, she finally reached out-and I was so excited, she was planning on coming to Florida and we were planning on meeting up.  But she disappeared again, and I hold no hope that we will see each other again at this point, and I am truly heart broken by that.  But I have to move on, get over myself-my pride and say goodbye to my dear sweet friend.  I'll remember you and always think fondly of you.  You are a lovely person, and I miss and love you very much!

xoxo, Lela

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Never Go Back

So one of my guilty pleasures in life has always been, The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  Now, having said that I am not ashamed or proud of myself, it is what it is.  Period.  ;)

So last night, I had three episodes to catch up on and so I started watching the show, and one thing I picked up on was how different the 22 year olds act over how me and my peers act.  But, if I am being honest, I used to act that way too.

So watching the show, I was not only annoyed by how some of these "ladies" were acting but I was also embarrassed that I ever was one of them lol!

How far I've come, I would never want to go back to the crazy ignorance of  youth.  But if I could freeze time, and stay how I am now-I totally would.

I used to be petty, raunchy, flirty, flighty, and just say totally inappropriate things - for attention, for shock, for getting an edge when trying to date a new guy......so I get it, it's just hard to watch.  So, sorry older ladies and gentlemen that had to put up with me back in my young adulthood!  I hope you forgive me, and never held it against me!

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Picture Day

I am not one for paying for someone else to take pictures of my children, I personally feel like I do a better job at capturing their personalities.  This has been an ongoing "thing" for me as well since all the kids were small.

Last month, I did extensive cleaning of our personal papers and organizing the filing cabinet in my office.  I came across proofs of photos taken of Weston when he was in grade school, maybe first grade.  I never bought those pictures-as stated and explained above.  And for the first time, I felt some regret for not doing that.  Sure I have great, fantastic even, pictures of Weston's toothless grin - but these are different.  Maybe I am just feeling sentimental because he just turned 16.

But anyway, I did decide to buy some prints of Miss O this year, for her kindergarten year.  I cannot wait to see them!

Daddy got her dressed today (did her hair as you can probably tell), but Olivia picked out her outfit and bow.  I cannot wait to see these when they come home!

xoxo, Lela

p.s.  here are a few I took for my own personal kindergarten collection while at a photoshoot of my friend Brittney & her family

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What's your hang up?

So, for a while now people have asked me "oh man you look to young to be a grandma" or "wow, when did you have your daughter 12?" or "gosh, I bet you were not ready for that"

The answer is no, nope and no way....

I am old enough to be a grandma, duh-because I am one!

I was not 12 when I had my daughter....I was 16 thank you very much.

And last but not least-I was TOTALLY ready!  I've been ready since my daughter became an adult.  This is the circle of life baby & nothing makes me happier then being this new person....this grandma!

I have no hang ups, reservations or anything going into this.  From day one, I've been nothing but excited.  I don't care if he calls me grandma, maw, ma, mimi, meme, lele, tete, old lady, old scratchy, green toe....I don't care.  I just want to love him, get to know him....watch my daughter and son-in-law raise him (from afar)....and be the best old scratchy that I can be.

I am thankful for being a younger grandma then I guess people are used to seeing.....that means I can see this baby grow into a man, and watch him has his own children....are you kidding me, how amazing is that!?

[photo credit goes to Mommy]

Love & be loved people!

xoxo, Lela

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Welcome!

Little baby Oscar Alan Costa was born at 11:56 pm (Portland Time) on September 13, 2018.  He is a 23 inch long young man, weighing in at 7 pounds 15 ounces.  He was born at 37 weeks to a exhausted mom and dad, Teresa & Alex.

I got the text about this at 4:49 am my time, while I was walking into the library to start my work day.  I am filled with so many emotions right now, happiness and joy are the first two of course.  I know that even though my daughter had a difficult time with his birth (she's been in labor since Wed morning), she is overjoyed and knowing how happy and content she is right now makes me beyond happy.  She has been wanting a baby for many many years now - and she has done it....she has a son!

I cannot wait to see his little face, and hold him in my arms.  Smell his new skin, and feel his silky hair on my finger tips.

It is such an odd feeling not being there for such an occasion.  I will fly out in 12 days though, he'll already be two weeks old at that time.  Oh man, I am one happy mama and grandma.....

(PHOTO CREDIT GOES TO DADDY)

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First Day of School 2018

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Disappointments

I have been seeing a lot of people posting things on facebook (family and friends) about how they've been disappointed by people in their lives recently.  Some decided to cut their losses and terminate the relationship others still linger on, hoping for a different outcome next time, hoping that the other person will eventually see the "light" and stop hurting them.

What is the right thing to do?  Do you just give up on the people you love the most in the world, do you just cut that best friend out of your life that you've know since you were five years old?  Do you separate from your husband of 10 years, who you have children with?

Everyone has an opinion on this.  Everyone's opinion is based on so many different factors, such as how they were brought up (what their morals are), their own life experiences (and what that taught them), and their level of trust and ability to withstand pain.  Some people can take this type of disappointment from individuals they love their entire lives - some can't even take it the first time they are let down.  And the rest of us are sort of in the middle some place.

What is is the right thing to do?  No one can really tell you can they?  They can simply tell you what they'd do, and they base it on the people they know & love.  But they also base it on a situation that they themselves are not even experiencing.

I cannot tell you the hundreds of people that told me they could never put up with or deal with what I've been through with Billy and Olivia.  Each time those words are spoken to me, I cringe just a little bit more.  I rarely say anything back to the person, mostly I just smile because I know they are not being 100% honest with themselves or to me and I also know they mean it from a good place, mostly.

The truth is, we don't know what we'd do.  Our reaction is different every time, due to how we are feeling or what else we are going through in life.

All we can really truly do is just try to be a better version of ourselves every single day.  Try to be smarter, faster, leaner, better in every way.  We can try not to be the one going out making poor decisions that effect and hurt the ones we love the most in this world.

When I say life is short, I don't mean it to say "life is short you need to forgive..." or "life is to short to be with a son-of-a-bitch like that".  I just mean it is short, it is precious.  Find the people that make you happy, find someone that doesn't disappoint you - build on that relationship.  Re-evaluate your relationships with friends and family that lack the same morals as you do & maybe put them on the back burner for a while - while you nurture yourself and your healthy relationships.

Who knows what I am saying, I am just another asshole with an opinion.

xoxo, Lela

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Time to GET OVER IT

As parents we do the best that we can, with the person we are at that time & the best we know how.  As a child grows up into adulthood they can look back and find all the flaws and mistakes we made and maybe even tell themselves they will never do what their "dad did" or never talk to them the way their "mom did".  I don't think they ever think about the type of person the mom or dad was at the time they were growing up.  If they struggled with two jobs trying to make sure the child had nice clothing and nice shoes for school, they just see that they were not around for them or didn't let them go on the field trip that cost $175 that they didn't have.  Most of the times, parents do not burden their kids with this type of information, nor the fact that they are also upset that the child cannot go and do like other kids.  That they go to bed at night and cry themselves to sleep because they have, once again disappointed their sweet child.

A child will grow up thinking their mom was mean or over protective because she didn't let her daughter spend the night with certain people, yet the mom was doing this all along to protect the child from a pervert that lived in the house or protecting a son that didn't get to spend the night with his buddy because the parents were drug dealers.  The mom doesn't tell the child her reasons, she just takes the blame.

Nothing can hurt a parent more then to hear that their child doesn't want to be like you, raise their kids like you did or act like they don't even look like you!

It's easy to sit back 20 or 30 years later and say "man I wish I would have done this" or "I wish I didn't do that", but as I said before - we do the best we can at that particular moment in time.  I wish our children could see that as they go into adulthood and not continue to blame a parent for what they didn't get, or didn't have - or that they got into to much trouble, or a parent was strict.  I wish that people didn't always focus on the negative side of things.  I wish that people could replace those small moments of disappointment with the big moments that the parents were their for them.  I wish they could remember all the "I love you"'s instead of the one time you brushed them aside because you had a crappy day at work, and had a negative bank account.

I wish that adult children could see that their parents are human beings.

One thing I've noticed is that a lot of times, adult children can be so understand and forgiving of other people - or so much more open minded about them - yet when it comes to their parents they are closed minded, unforgiving and not understanding at all.  It's like your parents are not allowed to be imperfect - in a world filled with imperfect people.

I am guilty of holding on to something in my past and never letting light touch it.  It was almost like I was proud of the pain that my parent caused me that I let it control me and sometimes still control me.  I know the reasons, now that I am a grown up - yet I still seem to want to punish my parent for their mistakes and not let them be as human as I want to be to my own adult children.

I am tired of not feeling good enough in someones eyes, or to always be seen in black and white.  It's frustrating and I dare not speak that it upsets me - as that would open up a flood gate of all the things they think I did wrong to them.  Most of which isn't even true, just false memories made up over time to make someone feel special or important.

I just want to live in a world where I can be happy and proud, and them be happy and proud too.  Happy and proud with and for and about each other.  I am tired, so maybe this doesn't make much sense.  But it's how I am feeling at this moment in time.  Which is something else parents are not allowed to have apparently, feelings.

I think it's honestly time for us adult kids to GET OVER IT and GET OVER OURSELVES!  Put away that false sense of your parents are supposed to be perfect.  Look at yourself.  If you have an issue in your life, focus on what YOU can do to make it better - not how someone caused you strife.  Focus on what YOU did wrong, not others....maybe that will make things better - maybe not, but I have always been a firm believer that you need to take responsibility and not just blame others.  Try to have an open mind when it comes to your parents, make sure they know you love and appreciate them and you know they owe you NOTHING but their time and love.

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GoodBye!

On my way home from work on Friday, I finally started to grieve for my grandma Martin.  When it started to flow over me like a warm blanket I instinctual pushed back a bit to keep the tears from flowing to much, as I had a cold & didn't want to get even more stuffed up.  But I promised myself, the last time I pushed it back, that if it came over me again I would let it flow - so I opened myself up for the pain and the tears and the sadness.

It caught me off guard, well I say that-but I have been hoping it would happen sooner rather then later.  And it was finally heard.  I could see the light at the end of my emotional tunnel.  Why do we hold back, why don't we just let go of our feelings as they are happening?   I can only express my own feelings and my own way of thinking and at the time she passed, I was at work, so I had to keep it together.  On the long drive home, I was talking to family & so I had to keep it together as we were making plans for our journey to IL.  Then we were traveling, then we were at the funeral-then we were visiting family!  Keep it together, be strong....then we drove home & were home.  How can you cry now, everyone missed you and everyone needs you.  So you continue to hold back, then you feel silly that it's been so long...it adds up though, the sadness.  It doesn't go away, it festers and builds until you're sick.  Sick in your mind and your body.

My immune system has been so low that I've gotten everything under the sun.  It's time to start taking care of myself, in all ways.  Physically and emotionally!  I mean, why not.  I am the only me I am every going to be....I need to be the best version of that.

I love my family & I love my life, I want to enjoy it more..and find more happiness!  I am so happy that I finally got to say goodbye to my sweet and loving Grandma Martin!  She was a wonderful wonderful woman who I will miss dearly!  Thank you Grandma for being there for me and showing me what it's like to be a good grandma...you paved the way for your Great Great Grandchild who will be born September 2018.

xoxo,
Lela

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She & I | Blog Refocus

As I've said before-this blog was originally created just to get "stuff off my chest" and to capture moments in time, I wanted to remember forever-without putting on facebook or instagram, an online journal if you will.

I have a horrible memory, and I do want to remember my joys & pains.  I want to look back on them and reflect on my personal growth.  I also want it to be in the universe that I existed, even in my own small way.  It has been my intention, as well - to start blogging more specifically gearing towards my life as a mother and more specifically a bonus mom to Olivia.  Because, she & I have a beautiful story to tell.

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Forgiveness & Love

I have a lot of shit to say, and some of it isn't friendly - so I am glad that no one really reads my blog.  But I've had a lot of my mind lately.

This particular blog was set up as a way to post/host photos of the kids growing up, and just our active life.  At first it was just me and the boys and so I had it named something appropriate to that - and then it was me and the two Johnson's and I changed the name to incorporate my new life with B&X, and my boys.  Honestly, I loved that name & blog.  It was called "More than Johnson's" and that is what it was, what we were - and that is still the case - but after O was introduced into our lives, and when that entire situation was happening - I needed to disassociate myself from the "Johnson" name - as I honestly didn't think my marriage with my husband was going to survive such a betrayal and such heartbreak.  I didn't think I had it in me.

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Cedar Key for the Day

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Suffering the Sins of Our Husbands

Loving someone else's child isn't hard, it's rather easy actually.  There is nothing special about me because I opened my heart, home and lives to someone else's daughter.  I am not a better person then anyone else because of how I love her or how I am with her.  I do appreciate it when people compliment me on being a good mother period, but to generalize it towards O is sometimes hurtful.  She's not the lucky one, I am.  That beautiful little soul doesn't have to love me, she has a mother-but she does.  And the love of a child is priceless and precious.

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Holidays Are Near

The holidays are riding upon us.  I have decided to start my Christmas shopping just a little early this year, I actually started in October!  A lot of the stuff is small & the kids didn't even ask for it, but I found it-thought it was cute & decided to just order it.  The boys are already showing signs of excitement, it's rather adorable.  I can't wait to spend this valuable time with them, this year Christmas week falls on my weeks with O&W....fantastic, that mean's I'll be home with them all week & get all that great time with all of them.  The plans for X are still up in the air.  I would have hoped we would have planned something with his mom by now, but we have not heard & B told me to not mention it, that it wasn't my responsibility to make sure they saw each other that it was hers-and I hear him, but I still care for X and I care about his needs and desires-whatever they may be, and maybe I am reaching.

Last night, at the baseball game-I walk up as the boys are all out in the outfield warming up.  X is the closest to the fence that I am walking past to head towards the bleachers to take my seat.  He sees me and says "MOM".....and it warmed my heart.  I really am a lucky "mom" to be given the opportunity to raise two amazing bonus children.  God knew what he was doing when he gave me these two crazy people.

So those are all good things, I bet you're wondering what I have to rant & rave about?  Well, one thing I've noticed about social media is that there are so many people out there shaming others into donating to various Go Fund Me pages, they post the link on their page over and over again - begging or asking people to donate to this "good cause" and trust me, they all sound like good causes & I would never begrudge someone help if they really needed it - but the people asking, and making a fuss-if you look at the donors...they have not even donated.  Maybe they feel they are doing their part by "putting it out there so more can see & more can give..." and that is their contribution, but the feeling of self gratification is what bugs me.  Ah well.  If that's my only complain this week I guess it's not so bad...but it's not, hahaha.  Best Buy, I could write a book about how pissed I am at them right now!

xoxo, Lela

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Not a gift from God-sorry!

Recently, I came across a lot of screen shots I had saved from when I was dealing with my husbands infidelity.  As I was going through them, I thought about how far I have come & that I could finally delete them & wipe them off the face of the earth.  I came across one that the other woman was publicly thanking God for something....small miracles I think is how she put it.  What she was actually thanking, on her page for the world to see - was the fact that I had asked him to leave once I found out about her.  So he had basically been "kicked to the curve"...and she was thanking God for this & for this situation.  I had read text messages between the two of them at the time it was all going on and she mentioned God a bunch of times and how wonderful God was for bringing them together.

Well.  The truth is, lady-just in case you're confused still by this....God will never send you someone else's husband.

We live in a world were self gratification takes precedence over decency.

This is now how I raised my children, and not how I continue to raise my children.  They are learning to stop and think before doing things that could not only hurt themselves, but the others around them.  And to have shame & humility - so they will not have to say sorry later for the things the shouldn't have done today.

xoxo, Lela

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It's calling my NAME!!!

One thing is true today, I wish I was on the beach some place - enjoying some wonderful weather & a cocktail!  I would love this if I was alone & I would love this if I had company with me.

Have you ever vacationed alone?  When you did were you married or single, if you did?  Is it weird to want to do this, while you're married w/children?

It probably doesn't help that I am stuck inside a ice cold building for 10+ hours four days a week.

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Body Shaming.

So recently, I have been reading a lot of articles (wildly viral right now) about people being mom shamed, body shamed, fat shamed, the list goes on and on and on......and people act like this is something new.  I guess now that the internet is so much more vastly used & every one has a camera on it - it's just so much easier to draw attention to yourself or your cause.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE ARTICLE!

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Love in Black and White

& cute new shoes...thanks to my beautiful mother in law's birthday cash....got some gorgeous Brighton Earrings too & still have some cash left ;)

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Dwelling

Why would someone want to dwell on the past for the rest of their lives?  How many years must go by before you stop blaming others for your own mistakes, unhappiness or lack of control?  1 year?  5 years?  20 years?

I have watched people around me continuously hash out past wrongs they think they have suffered.  Spilling from their lips, their own interpretation of events that they remember from a five years old mind, or a drunk 21 years old mushy brain.  20 years later, you'd think you'd be done-worked through it-not sitting around thinking of new ways that someone, or something destroyed you and that is the reason you're not "this" or "that".

Get off your ass NOW, at the age you are now-forget what you think happened to you & move forward.  Make changes you know will better your life, one of which is letting go & moving forward.  Moving forward is very powerful & you can be very successful at new ideas & goals if you can do that.  I promise.

If you have a relationship that is lacking because of your idealistic way of how things SHOULD have went way back when, you can rebuild that relationship fresh-can't you?  Forgive them, this is for you.  Forgive yourself, this is for you too!

I have to admit, I am one of the for above mentioned people.  I have held on to a lot of pain regarding events that transpired in my youth with my biological father.  Now, I never blamed things he said or did on the fact that I wasn't a success in my life or for mistakes I made.  I never used his actions for my own bad or lack of action(s).  I did however, blame him for not owning up to it & putting me into the position to feel like the protector of my younger siblings.  Being only 3 1/2 years older then my oldest sibling under mean - left me feeling very grown up at a very young age.  I always wanted to hear him say he was sorry & he knew he did things wrong.   Specific things, not just a life time of made up bullshit-real things.  The things that happened were real and by any ones standards wrong.

But, years passed and I am never going to hear this.  I have forgiven him, and I have forgiven myself for allowing this to fester in me for years, way to many years.

I wish the same outcome for people I love in my family.  I won't name names, as we all know who we are & if this relates to you then you are probably part of what I am blogging about.  I wish the same thing for my friends.

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Do you like my face like this?

She's such a little charmer.  Sometimes she really enjoys having her photograph taken....this particular morning when I was snapping away-she says "mama, do you like it when I look like this?" and puts her hands up to her cheek.  All I could do was smile, snap away & say "I sure do, baby....".

I said, okay-now that you've given me such a lovely smile-show me how you stop smiling?  No smiling...and this is what I get.  Apparently there is only smiling and frowning in this girls repertoire.

 She basically directed this mini session in the house....she got on the sofa & posed in her own natural pose for me...trying to make eye contact with me while still paying attention to Nick Jr.

I couldn't get enough really!

 & this is where I lost her & cartoons won.

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