Hello Middle Aged Woman.

 hey.....I'm not a spring chicken - I am an aged steak......

Read more

Rose Colored Glasses

Are there two sides to every story?  I certainly think so.

As I have gotten older, I really try to sit back and think about things that I say and things that I do-as I know that I live in a watchful, unforgiving, ungrateful, judgmental, disrespectful and easily offended world now.

Maybe the world was always like that, and I just didn't know because we didn't have social media, texting, messaging where people could hide behind a computer screen or their phones to talk shit about you or to you.

But the facts still remain in life.  You never know what someone else is going through or have went through.  You do not know what sacrifices have been made or are still being made.  I don't know if peoples eyes will be opened up as they get older, get married and have children.  I cannot predict the future.  But I certainly hope so, because sitting around being self righteous and speaking of things you do not even understand or know the slightest thing about is certainly pointless and a huge waste of time.

And one thing I know for sure is time is precious.  We all think we have plenty of it, but we never really do, do we?

I think it's sad that people cannot see growth.  They have something stuck in their head, and cannot grow or disembark themselves from it.  So they hold on to it as if it's the truth-and the only truth.  Cannot see beyond themselves, cannot see the fabrications of their own life.  Everyone who truly knows them, knows it's a delusion.  Why can't they!?  Does this co back to simple selfishness?

And how does someone navigate through relationships with people who do not know them when they have a target on their back?  How is that fair to either person?  It just causes uncomfortable situations.

I am not unique, I am sure I am just one of millions of people who feel like they are not seen for who they really are.  They are looked at through someone else's eyes-and so no matter what they say, or what they do-they only are seen in a negative way.

Read more

Regrets.

Do you ever wish you could start over?  Start a friendship over, start a lover relationship over, start parenting over?  Knowing what you know now?  Why are lessons in life so hard to learn?  Why do people grow apart?  What did you do wrong in that relationship, no matter which it is-as a lover, a friend or a parent?  Would starting over even help?  Is the issue you, or them?

I don't know the answers to this question, and often times I do not have regret.  Today, however-this moment I am feeling a little regret towards a past relationship with someone special.  I won't divulge if I am speaking of lover, friendship or child.  But there is a twing of regret and sadness today!  I hope I get over it quick!

Read more

Lovely New Mattress & Stuff

For years now, I have been complaining about needing a new mattress.  But it always seemed like something we couldn't afford, or wouldn't afford more like it.  My back has increasingly given me problems making it not tolerable to sleep in on the weekends or on my Monday off work, sad but true.

As someone who likes their alone time, having a comfortable bed for me to retreat into really is a must-I had been forced to take refuge in my office that currently just has a kitchen chair (being used as a desk chair) and a not so comfortable futon.

Well, I finally broke down - reached deep down into my purse pockets & pulled out a new cooling gel, memory foam mattress.....I won't go on about the brand or anything - as I don't want this to be an add or a review - but I do want to point out that I have sleep wonderfully since I purchased this little beauty.  I can also say, that I purchased it at Wayfair!  Boom!

xoxo, Lela

Read more

Life is Flying

At my age, should I be sitting around (figuratively speaking) thinking about all the things I've missed out on and maybe how I didn't live up to my potential?  Isn't this something you start to think of in the Winter of your life, not the Fall?  I have been feeling rather depressed lately about so many things.......like

• should I have gone to college
• should I apply for another job, so I move up the chain
• why didn't I go to the elementary school to have lunch with Weston when he asked me so many times, for the sake of not waiting to ask for the time off work
• why did I yell at my kids and make them feel like shit for bringing home a bad grade or a report card that wasn't great
• Did I ever have a flat stomach
• Should I have closed my photography business down..

the list goes on and on.....

I miss so much about my kids, I miss them so much (Teresa & Gavin).  I wish they lived closer, so I could visit with them & get to know them as adults.  Talk to them more, why don't I call them more-why don't I like talking on the phone!?  Can't I just do it for them?

I look at pictures of them, and I just want to go back in time.  Be a softer mother, and maybe not so strict.  Maybe have not been so selfish for my quiet time, and let there be more ciaos (I have still not learned to live without my quiet time).

I want to be a better version of myself.  Am I already that, does that change every day regardless.  I just don't know.

I want to buy a house, get a new car...enjoy finer things in life.  I feel like I am on a wheel, like a hamster in a cage getting absolutely no place.  There is never enough money, never enough time - but then I don't change that either.

I get to retire in five years.  Is that when my life really starts?  Or have I already missed it.  I don't understand why I am so sad and creeped out lately about death.  Why am I even thinking about it?  Is that normal?

I just don't know the answer to these questions, and everything seem so random and hard to grasp for me these days.  I cannot even go grocery shopping without loosing my train of thought if I am with the other kids.  I snap at them, they get offended.  Is it me, is it them?  What can I do?

Maybe I need a vacation.  Maybe I need to meditate.  Maybe I just need a knock in the head.  

Read more

I'm Tired

I am tired.  We all hear that phrase a lot don't we?  "Good morning, how are you?" "Tired, how about yourself?", "I am pretty tried myself, thanks for asking".....which is the small talk of the office.

I feel like I wake up tired and go to bed tired.  I look tired, I feel tired and I behave tired.

I am also tired of things.  I am tired of how this society is treating each other (and thinking it's okay), I am tired of my children always messing up our house, I am tired that I get so pissed at them for messing up (and not cleaning up) our house.  I am tired of the weather here in Florida, the relentless heat and rain, the horrible storms & terrifying hurricanes and I am certainly tired of the bugs (mainly spiders).

I am tired of being jealous of certain people.  I am tired of wanting things I can't have.  I am tired of people making promises and then breaking them.  I am tired of feeling alone, I am tired of feeling like I am never alone (figure that one out would ya).  I am tired of not being able to give my children everything they want (and need at times) but financially and emotionally.

I am tired of my oldest kids living so far away from me.  I am tired of not having enough time with my family.  I am tired of missing out on things I should be present for, both physically and emotionally.  I am tired of missing the old days.  I am tired of thinking of when I'll have old people days.  I am tired of thinking about dying.  I am tired of thinking about taxes, bills, grocery shopping and what I should be cooking for dinner.  I am tired of family and friends, who should give a shit but don't.  I am tired of being one of those people as well.

I am tired of feeling like an outsider.  I am tired of being a weirdo.  I am tired of being fat and having parts of my body ache that I feel is directly associated with that.  I am tired of being to tired to work out, and tired of being to lazy to work out (if we're being honest).  I am tired of not giving a shit.  I am tired of giving to much of a shit.

I am tired of never being satisfied with myself, or the people around me.  I am tired of being so fucking impatient.  I am tired of being someone who jumps to conclusions, because I am tired of being hurt.  I am kind of tired of being so forgiving, and definitely tired of not being 100% forgiving enough to some people.

I am tired of wishing people would do the right thing.  I am tired of my long commute to work.  I am tired of all the shitty drivers that are on the roads during my long commute to work.  I am tired of the shitty parking at my work.  I am tired of shopping at Walmart.  I am tired of there not being a Trader Joe's in my hometown.  I am tired of over priced haircuts and milk.  I am tired of coffee not being free, hell I am tired of wine not being free.

I am tired of writing this blog post.

I am so tired, but mostly I am tired of being do damn tired.

Read more

Suffering the Sins of Our Husbands

Loving someone else's child isn't hard, it's rather easy actually.  There is nothing special about me because I opened my heart, home and lives to someone else's daughter.  I am not a better person then anyone else because of how I love her or how I am with her.  I do appreciate it when people compliment me on being a good mother period, but to generalize it towards O is sometimes hurtful.  She's not the lucky one, I am.  That beautiful little soul doesn't have to love me, she has a mother-but she does.  And the love of a child is priceless and precious.

Read more

Holidays Are Near

The holidays are riding upon us.  I have decided to start my Christmas shopping just a little early this year, I actually started in October!  A lot of the stuff is small & the kids didn't even ask for it, but I found it-thought it was cute & decided to just order it.  The boys are already showing signs of excitement, it's rather adorable.  I can't wait to spend this valuable time with them, this year Christmas week falls on my weeks with O&W....fantastic, that mean's I'll be home with them all week & get all that great time with all of them.  The plans for X are still up in the air.  I would have hoped we would have planned something with his mom by now, but we have not heard & B told me to not mention it, that it wasn't my responsibility to make sure they saw each other that it was hers-and I hear him, but I still care for X and I care about his needs and desires-whatever they may be, and maybe I am reaching.

Last night, at the baseball game-I walk up as the boys are all out in the outfield warming up.  X is the closest to the fence that I am walking past to head towards the bleachers to take my seat.  He sees me and says "MOM".....and it warmed my heart.  I really am a lucky "mom" to be given the opportunity to raise two amazing bonus children.  God knew what he was doing when he gave me these two crazy people.

So those are all good things, I bet you're wondering what I have to rant & rave about?  Well, one thing I've noticed about social media is that there are so many people out there shaming others into donating to various Go Fund Me pages, they post the link on their page over and over again - begging or asking people to donate to this "good cause" and trust me, they all sound like good causes & I would never begrudge someone help if they really needed it - but the people asking, and making a fuss-if you look at the donors...they have not even donated.  Maybe they feel they are doing their part by "putting it out there so more can see & more can give..." and that is their contribution, but the feeling of self gratification is what bugs me.  Ah well.  If that's my only complain this week I guess it's not so bad...but it's not, hahaha.  Best Buy, I could write a book about how pissed I am at them right now!

xoxo, Lela

Read more