Half a Century

Today, I am fifty years old.  Today is my birthday!  During my 40's I didn't love myself very much.  I was constantly editing my photos to take out most of my imperfections, well if I am being honest I did that in my 20s and 30s as well.  I can't tell you why, insecure is my guess.  I don't know what I was ever insecure about, I am a normal and natural-looking person with no major disgusting parts.  The older I got, the more I thought I didn't care what people thought about me, and allowed myself to be photographed more and allowed them to be shown off on social media.  But the facts are I do care, I do care what people think - but mostly I care about what I think.  I think I shouldn't care so much about how my face and body are aging and really embrace them all.  So I decided to stop over-editing my self-portraits, and though this was edited for artistic purposes (wanted a more muted tone) it is not edited in Facetune or anything to alter the way my face looks and smooth out the skin.  I wanted to look at myself and leave behind photos that really reflect who I am at this moment in time because I am so incredibly grateful for this time on earth, so grateful for these first fifty years honestly.  This 50-year-old body has done so much for me.  It has allowed me to give birth by c-section to three amazing humans.  It has allowed me to retire after 30 years of working for the University of Florida.  It has allowed me to hug, to love, to make love, to read, to write, to eat, to walk and talk.  I have been blessed with three gorgeous grandchildren.  Today, instead of being sad that I am getting older and being sad that I am 1/2 a century old I am so fucking happy about it, and so graciously excited to see what the future holds for me.

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WW-3

Okay, so I did a thing......I joined WW again & I am already suffering from it, haha.  Just kidding but seriously, I just want to eat what I want & slim down to the weight I want & just be comfortable in my own darn life (body/skin).

Ever since I had my fist child, I put on some weight.  The weight came on with the second child and the third child as well & yet never really went away.  As I have started to get older I fear that it will never go away, let's face it-Weston is almost 17 years old, the time for change is ....well now dammit.

This will be my THIRD time trying WW out.  The first time I did WW I think I did a pretty good job, lost about 30 pounds and then just-stopped.  Went to IL for a visit-didn't have service on my phone & didn't track anything-and never really got back into it.  I tried a few more times after that, but just couldn't find my groove.

But, the truth is-I am a fat girl.  My family will all say, omg no you're beautiful.  And I don't even know what to say to them when they say that.  I just want to say, I never said I was ugly-I said I AM FAT!  Look at it, look at the fat-it's there-hanging around like a bad meatloaf.

I get it, they think that if they agree then it may hurt my feelings-and hell it may, IDK....they have never tested that theory out.  But I also get when you truly love someone-unconditionally, you don't see things about them that they see about themselves.  Or you even rationalize it as, well I've seen fatter babe/mom.....IDK.

I look at my husband when he says he needs to loose weight or how much he hates his belly or hairline and I don't see what he sees.  I just see a person I love and care about.  So maybe that's it, but come on!  COME ON!  Don't fluff me off, say something like "well I think you should do what makes you happy and I am here to support you 100%"?

Anyway, long story short-I logged my food for the first time last night & I do plan on just eating/drinking normal for the rest of the week just to see what I've been doing to myself-though I did weigh out my dinner last night just to be on the safe side & eat things in portions!  So I get 36 points a day & I used 48.....woops!  LOL  I hope I get better as I gear up for it to REALLY start this Sunday!  Fingers Crossed :)

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Strapless? Yeah so what!

So, a few years ago me and my cousin Nora and I would send each other funny snapchat photos, just being silly!  One day she asked me "are you naked?" lol the horror - NO SILLY, "I am wearing a strapless shirt"....she informed me that people do NOT wear strapless shirts anymore.  Now mind you, I don't and wouldn't wear one in public but this top was strictly something I wore to bed lol!  Well, sorry Cousin Nora, but your girl bought a new strapless top and she does plan on wearing it in PUBLIC!  The horror I know-now mind you-I will wear this beauty with a cardigan or my denim jacket (probably also out of style) but  yeah-apparently it is still fashionable!  lol-either that or I am just way out of the fashion loop.  Stranger things have happened.

Isn't she pretty?

& of course if you have a strapless top you should have a nice strapless bra.....another cute buy!

THANK YOU TORRID

Anyway-speaking of stranger things SEASON THREE IS AIRING ON JULY 4TH BABY!  Yes!

and then with the Torrid cash, I got this for free :D

xoxo, Lela

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Lovely New Mattress & Stuff

For years now, I have been complaining about needing a new mattress.  But it always seemed like something we couldn't afford, or wouldn't afford more like it.  My back has increasingly given me problems making it not tolerable to sleep in on the weekends or on my Monday off work, sad but true.

As someone who likes their alone time, having a comfortable bed for me to retreat into really is a must-I had been forced to take refuge in my office that currently just has a kitchen chair (being used as a desk chair) and a not so comfortable futon.

Well, I finally broke down - reached deep down into my purse pockets & pulled out a new cooling gel, memory foam mattress.....I won't go on about the brand or anything - as I don't want this to be an add or a review - but I do want to point out that I have sleep wonderfully since I purchased this little beauty.  I can also say, that I purchased it at Wayfair!  Boom!

xoxo, Lela

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Round Two?

Well, I decided to join WW again since I did, in fact, loose 27 pounds while following the plan.  Once I jumped off the plan the weight jumped back on my ass - or should I say belly.  Gosh!  I miss being able to move around easily and that is what I found when I had that weight off.  I can't deal with the weight I am now, it's to uncomfortable.  Time to get back on track and really focus on myself & making myself feel and look better - even if it's just 27 pounds or 127 pounds lost.  The number isn't the issue-it's how I feel and the ease I'd like to have in my movements and my body.

I was going to wait until Monday to start - but honestly there is no time like the present and so I've done it, I am back on the plan.  I am back into investing in myself.....I have a closet full of really pretty tops that will thank me for it - because they'll stay in my closet & they'll fit me again, and they can show their pretty faces to the world :)

I don't hate myself, and I don't hate being fat or fat people.  I just hate the way I feel.  Now having said that, wish me luck!  Everyone knows I suck at sticking to anything.....but I am going to try to have a little more faith in myself.....

xoxo, Lela

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Why Me #1000000000000000000000000000000001

Today, my feminine hygiene product rejected my offering.  For over 30 years I have been offering my mother-natures gift and this has happened from time to time, as I have slept or "forgotten" to check on how the product was holding up.  But the ramifications have been small, and really nothing a little bleach couldn't take care of.  Today was not like any of those days, no today was special.

Try to envision this...here I am working, minding my own business, when out of no where I stand up-to stretch and yawn!!!  And I feel, warmth.  Not the warm fuzzy find either.  To my horror, I ran to the ladies room because I knew what it was.  My Aunt Flow.  Why the fuck is she visiting me at work any way & why the fuck isn't the expensive, yet pretty product working properly.  This, explosion, literally went around the product and my panties and decided to go directly down my leg...thank goodness I have on black pants that are apparently very very absorbent.

So here I am, standing in the ladies room at work - in the large stall - with no pants on - rinsing said pants out in the sink.  Of course I have to meet a young man regarding a space we rent on campus in about 15 mins.  OF COURSE!

So needless to say, all the warmth is gone and has been replaced with cold & wet...but at leaset I am clean.........................clean - but cold!

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O gives up on Yoga, Part 1

Yesterday, Olivia told me in a sweet little voice "you're such a good mama".....I thought it was rather sweet....even if she said it because I told her she could finally go play instead of doing yoga with me.  We started out strong...but the next thing I knew-she was sitting on top of my oddly bent legs....or hugging me.....or kissing my forehead or shoulder.....I finally just gave up and released her from the "work out".  I'll have to see if I can find a fun video for us to watch to keep her more interested next time....lol!

I'm pretty sure I did most everything wrong, but I did feel an ease about the day after I was done-until I came back from picking up Weston from football practice & watched as the neighbors dog drug trash out of our trash cans (as they wait for the no-where to be found trash collectors to pick it up-9 hours late).  Nothing annoys me more then smacking and slurping then a dog that I do not own tearing up trash (mine or the neighbors trash) and slinging it all over the place...I CAN NOT STAND TRASH IN THE YARD, or even anyone elses yard it just bothers me and gets me so angry for some reason!  Needless to say, I needed to sit down and do some breathing quick!

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