18 Days

I have been sober for 18 days.  It's not a very long time, but it's over two weeks.  To me, it's the longest time I have stopped drinking consecutively.  It is an accomplishment, and I am proud of myself.  I live among people who do not understand my struggle, and they want to minimize it or enhance it, but I am well aware of what it truly is, and I am working on that.

Today, I came out to my siblings that I am 18 days sober.  My sister, who is an alcoholic, said "good job" in one sentence and then said "why?" in another.  I said Well because I don't want to be an alcoholic, and she said, "Yeah, but why.....jk".  It really put me instantly in a bad mood.  Why do people have to defend why they decided not to drink anymore?  If I were a crack addict, would they say the same thing?  "Why are you giving up crack?"

I would never say that to someone who is struggling, but maybe she doesn't know I am struggling because I do my drinking in private, and it never involves anyone else.  It's not dramatic, and I don't cause issues or problems for anyone when I am drinking.

I don't get into fights with people.  I don't piss myself and get lost and have to have my parents come get me.  I don't run off to a bar, drunk, and back into my child's car while other family members are trying to prevent me from leaving.

It is disheartening to know that your family cannot support you.  Not in the way you need, so I guess I have to distance myself from them even further-which sucks because we are already pretty distant.

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Goodbye Dear Friend

Have you ever been ghosted?  Have you ever been ghosted by your best friend?  That is what happened to me, twice.  And I want to preface that I hold no ill will towards my dear friend.  I am only writing this for my own peace of mind, and to openly say goodbye!

I have been friends with a sweet lady for going on 32 years.  We have been through a lot together, marriages, divorces, loosing loved ones and the trials and tribulations any other female in America could have.  Her second marriage, moved her across the country from Florida to Washington state.  Her mom and brother live here in Florida, so she did travel to visit & so we'd see each other while she was in town, but I guess our friendship started to dwindle over those long years apart.

I tried to reach out as much as I could, and sometimes was left on read-which is fine, I get it, we are all busy!  When she first moved, she was still raising her girls & me, still raising my kids.  But a couple of years ago she just disappeared off social media, wouldn't answer my texts or answer my calls.  I tried for several months, maybe once a month for over a year but heard nothing from her.  Since her youngest daughter was still active on social media, I knew she was still on this earth with us-so I tried not to worry.

In 2023, she finally reached out-and I was so excited, she was planning on coming to Florida and we were planning on meeting up.  But she disappeared again, and I hold no hope that we will see each other again at this point, and I am truly heart broken by that.  But I have to move on, get over myself-my pride and say goodbye to my dear sweet friend.  I'll remember you and always think fondly of you.  You are a lovely person, and I miss and love you very much!

xoxo, Lela

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My Generation

 I am from a generation that used to drink water from a water hose when thirsty, but you have to let it run a few moments not to burn yourself on the sun-soaked water that was stuck in the hose.

A generation that used to take rocks and draw on the road, making hop-scotch.

A generation that played paper dolls, hopscotch, and Barbies.

A generation that had skinned up knees and elbows from skating all day on the streets.

A generation that walked to and from school, with friends daily.

A generation without a babysitter.

A generation that did their homework just to get out in the neighborhood to run around with friends.

A generation with tree houses, and that climbed trees.

A generation that collected stickers, the scratch and sniff ones were the best.

A generation that still collected soda bottles, and would cash them in for a Coke (the original) and some Lemon Heads.

A generation that knew who Holly Hobby was.

A generation of sleeping over at friends' houses, staying up late watching HBO, and playing on an Ouji board.

A generation that played board games.

A generation that had the worst fashion (in the 80's & 90's)

A generation that started the mullet, My Little Pony's, Strawberry Shortcake & the Care Bears.

A generation that used to watch Saturday morning cartoons before running out to meet up with their friends.

At the time, I didn't know it was the best generation and the best childhood.  

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I am a different person.....

 I am not the same person I was yesterday, I am not the same person I was a month or a year ago.  And I certainly am not the same person I was 20 or 30 years ago.

I have learned a lot about being a daughter, sister, wife & mother.  I have grown, learned-changed just like everyone else.

I do not like being held to the same standard of who I was before this moment.

Let's all do better!

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Misconceptions. Confusing.

Do you ever just want to stop speaking, because maybe you just talk way to much-have to many thoughts sometimes and you made the mistake of verbalizing ideas, thoughts or share previous conversations you've had over the years?  And after you've spoken the words-someone uses them in a misinterpreted manner-and you never really know why?  It's not just simple things, the one time conversation suddenly erases someone's entire knowledge of you, that they have experienced with you, and replaced it with a misconception?  It hurts my heart to think that people are out there, sharing their incorrect version of what they think that I am.

I have found, that if you confront someone about it, or try to remind them of situations that would dispute their "claim" they get angry and say I am digging up the past.  But the fact is, the past is what proves the misconception in the first place.  And so you suddenly feel like, the people you thought really knew you (or knows you) simply doesn't.

It makes you feel very lonely.  I can tell you that.

xoxo, Lela

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Mask you Mug

Yesterday, during my lunch break I took some time to grab a few things I needed from the grocery store.  In my county it is still mandatory to wear face masks while food shopping in almost all the stores-which is fine, except I feel like I can not breath in them most of the time.  That makes me anxious, and I am already anxious by being in the store in the first place.  I hate going to the grocery store-I hate the way people treat each other, no one is ever nice.  People act like you're in their way all the time, people take up the entire isles instead of sharing the walk space, I just leave most of the time really stressed out.

So my shopping experience started to take a downward spiral when I was looking at the chicken breasts and I catch an older lady standing with her cart pointed right towards mine, really close.  I look over at her, and she clearly wants to be right where I am at and she is staring me down, and I can still see the scowl even through her mask.  I look back at the chicken and she inches closer-I look again, and she is scowling and staring.  I mouth the words "FUCK YOU LADY", in a silent whisper, and it hit me-I can do this to all the assholes that are rude.

By the time I was in the check out line, I had told about a half dozen people off and my mood was lighter, I was laughing-behind my mask.

Good job Lela, GOOD JOB!

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Thoughts & Decisions

 I am a pretty easy person to get along with.  Especially at the age I am now.  I am more carefree I guess, and a little less uptight.  If that is even the right word.  However, I don't always say the things I want to say, good or "bad".  I always think 10 steps ahead and know if I stick up for myself the way that I do, I know it would cause issues in some relationships.  I keep that in mind every single time I have interactions with those people, as well as with the people associated with the individuals.  I know it often comes off as weak, or easy to bully and push around maybe.  But those days are slowly coming to an end.  I am tired of living the shadows of my own heart and mind.  I want to break free of the judgement and the criticism.  I want to feel good, and I want to speak my mind like they do.  I know that once I do speak my mind, and am totally honest it will cause problems.  I guess I am ready to deal with those issues once in for all.

I just to be me.  I just want to find my place in the world.  I just want to find things that work for me and make me happy.  I know that from the outside looking in, I may seem a little flakey.  I may seem like someone who cannot make up their mind about things.  And it's true, I do have a hard time finding diets, foods, and other things that work for me.  But that is why I try all different things.

It's easy for someone to sit back, and listen or see 5% of my life and judge me for that.  And that's fine, I guess.  I am human-I can admit it does bother me a little.  But just a little, maybe 5% lol.  But seriously, we just this one life. I want to be happy in it.  I want YOU to be happy in it with me.

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Hi Hypocrite.

It baffles me when someone preaches kindness and acceptance for all in one sentence and then spews hate towards someone who doesn't believe the same things they do the next?  Acceptance is acceptance.  I don't think this devoted Christian actually knows what acceptance is, or what love is.

If you love people, then you love them.  Period.  If you are kind towards people, then you are kind towards people. Period.  If you are forgiving, then you are forgiving. Period.  If you have an open heart, then you have an open heart. Period.

You can't just preach about having all these wonderful traits one day, and then spit in the face of someone who simply doesn't want to vote your way, or agree with your politics, religion, economics, and so on and so forth.

To get and receive love, you must show love.  The same goes for respect, and you may not know it - but people see the hypocrisy.  And they may not say anything, and may not ever say anything - but they SEE it!  Let me say that again, PEOPLE SEE YOU'RE A LIAR AND A FAKE.

Bless your heart.

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Enough

When do you think enough is enough?  Is it years, months, weeks, days.....when do you think it's okay to say "stop, or I am done" even when it's a family member who you love dearly!?

For the past several years now, I have been dealing with a family member who seemingly goes out of their way to make me feel like shit.  And in saying that, they would respond that perhaps I feel that way because of something I've done....not taking responsibility while preaching that people who are wrong always blame the other person while they are blaming the other person!  Ironic isn't it?

I can see my flaws, I can see my current and past mistakes and I have come to terms with them and I have apologized for them-full stop, with no excuses.  But nothing changes.

When is enough, enough?  At some point, doesn't it just become abuse?

Having someone in your life like this; makes you not want to reach out to them, makes you not want to spend time with them or even talk to them on the phone.  This causes more issues with that person, then you're an asshole because you don't communicate as much as they think you should.  But again, in doing it this way I am saving myself the anxiety of the relationship and the conversations which are always about them, how they feel, what was done wrong to them, and how great they are all the time.

It's exhausting.  So when is enough, enough?  Can you in good conscious write someone off who is a family member?  I am not sure what the answer is, as I have never done it before.  When I have tried to pull away other family members berated me for it.  Trying to and being successful at making me feel like I am doing a shitty thing.  Even though they know the struggle I go through with this individual.

There is no point in confrontation, all that does it fuel the fire.  There is no point in telling them my opinions or what I am up to because they never take it in a positive way, it always turns into something negative.  If I say, I am going to the grocery store today - I would hear "I wish I had some food to eat.....must be nice!".  I am being dramatic with that one, but I didn't want to use a real example.

It's exhausting.  So when is enough, enough?  I wake up every day thinking about this person, hoping they are okay-as I know they are dealing with some medical issues right now which is another reason why I don't just explode - they would just use their condition to gain sympathy from me & everyone else they told about our "discussion" so no matter what, I am always the bad guy in their eyes.  And in me speaking; proves that to them.  But being quiet proves to them I don't care (to them).  It's an impossible situation.

It's an exhausting, impossible situation that I can't get away from.

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Friday Feelings

I have worked away from home for the past 27 years.  During that time, I have said to myself, and out loud "I cannot wait for spring break (or vacation) and I can be off work", I have said "I cannot wait for the weekend!" and I have said on Sunday "I don't want to go back to work tomorrow!"

I am sure I am not alone in this.  It's the human condition, right?  But honestly, after being "safe" at home (stuck) for over a month, I am just now realizing I got what I always wanted-without being fired.  And now I just try not to complain. I don't say out loud that I cannot wait for things to get back to normal.

I am trying to stay positive, not just for me but my co-workers as well as the kids I am now teaching at home (two of which can do their own thing) but one is only six.  It hasn't been easy, finding a new normal.  We had to throw the rules out the window and learn to work at a much slower pace-which is something I wasn't the only one struggling with.  We are on week three of distance learning and our six years old cried because she was asked to slow down-it's just not how she has been living her scholastic life for the past two years.

We have gained a lot from this experience though, even though we are still learning how to slow our roll.  I have sat outside in the sun while working on my tablet, I have started taking two breaks during my workday for 15 mins each.  I am taking a lunch break.  I have also been known to jump up and dance to get the blood flowing again after sitting for a long period of time.

I don't have to get into my car at 4:45am-and try not to hit deer on my way home from work and I don't have to jump into my 100-degree car after a long day at the office and make that over an hour drive back home either.  I don't miss that-but so much more free time.

What have we done with it?  We've painted rocks, we've cleaned rooms (closets too), we have sat outside, we have been on walks, we have grown plants, we have talked and played games, we have read books and learn new things.  We have redecorated the living, the office and even purchased a new rug (as you already know if you follow my blog).  We have cooked and baked.  We have made homemade sangria (okay only I did that).

We have not brushed our hair a lot, and sometimes I have to brush my teeth in the afternoon because I cannot remember if I did it earlier that morning. We are not wearing shoes or bras.  No makeup, unless I have to throw on some powder for a zoom meeting.  We are not worrying about making a grocery list or going to the grocery store.  And we are not staying up late.  We are not seeing our family like we used to, or visiting friends.

Teresa won't be able to visit like planned on April 30th.  I was really looking forward to her visit with Oscar.  I don't get to take the kids to the springs, the beach or go to a park for a few hours so Olivia can get some of that energy out.  I am not seeing my co-workers in person or having lunch with them.  Somethings I really miss.

Well, that's it for now-those are my feelings for the day!

Happy Friday loves!

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Need Honesty.

I have a knack for not being 100% honest with people for some reason, and this goes for all people.  I either keep things to myself or I sugar coat something in order to not get their disapproval or so it doesn't bother them, and just trying to keep things from becoming an issue I guess.  Now, would their be an issue-I have no idea-but I tend to lean more towards keeping myself in check in that regards.

I want to be more direct, more honest and try to do so in a very fashionable manner that doesn't offend people.  I have feelings, I have thoughts-why am I so scared to say them or share them with my family, my friends, my co-workers and strangers?  I don't know!  Do you!?

I think it's time to just lay it all out there & if someone doesn't like it-then they can get over it.

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Best Friends Trip - 2014

 I am not sure if I ever did even share these, they are not great photos, it was a dreary day - but we were together and we had fun just hanging out.  I wish I could go back to 2014 and spend this day with you all over again! Love and miss you my friend!  We need to plan another trip!  Ya hear?

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09-11-2001

18 years have gone by since this day.  An entire lifetime for some.  I don't have many words, I just want to say-I have not forgotten the sadness felt around the world on this day & every day prior.

This is a beautiful tribute.

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