Broken Hearted helping the Broken Hearted

Someone has broken the heart of someone I love.  Not only did they break their heart, but they crushed their spirit and damaged their soul.  Not only did they do all that, but they compromised their peace of mind and their comfort even in their own sanctuary that they call home.

Why are humans so terrible to each other?

Why do they get such a thrill out of being selfish?

Is it possible to just live a regular, boring life without people coming into them just to destroy life, even if it is temporary?

I have been through the terrible side of heartbreak, it is a miserable destination.  I cannot, even though I've lived to tell the tale-give good solid useful advice.  The person who set out to destroy my happiness was behaving in a very apologetic manner, doing all the right things to regain my trust, my love, my appreciation and my forgiveness.

How do you forgive someone who isn't even sorry enough to ask for it?  How do you forgive someone who doesn't allow you your grief and sadness?  How do you forgive someone who doesn't allow you your anger?  How do you forgive someone who won't even discuss the situation with you, so you can move past it?

My advice is meaningless.  My love for this person is strong, and my heart is sad for them.  I cannot help them.  I can only listen to them, and hope to ease a bit of their sorrow daily.

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Brush your Teeth

So this morning was like all work day mornings, I wake up tired.  Squinting and hiding my eyes from the bright runway lights of our bathroom vanity as I pee and then scramble to brush my teeth.  I do this barely looking, mostly feeling my way around.  I grab my toothbrush, slather it with my toothpaste-turn on the brush and jam it into my mouth and start scrubbing.  Top teeth, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5....yes, I still count.....bottom teeth.....1, 2, 3, 4, 5.....and then I open my eyes and look at myself in the mirror vigorously brushing my gums, teeth....all of it.  I open my eyes wider in surprise, and honestly disgust as I notice I am using a BLUE brush, not a PINK one.....

I, Lela Johnson, have brushed my teeth, with my husbands toothbrush.

Thank you for your time.

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Settling in.....

Sometimes it is hard to see yourself through your own eyes.  I often look in the mirror and wonder, who the hell is this woman looking back at me?  I look at her and think, how the hell did you survive all the things that should have drove you completely mad?

I think, I'm 46 now-not a girl anymore, but a woman-a middle aged woman.  I wonder what I am to old for now, I wonder what I am to young for now.

I struggle with feeling confident, and attractive due to my own insecurities and those placed upon me from my father or ex-lovers, and even current.  Am I allowed to love myself, as I am right now?  Or am I supposed to be ashamed of growing older, getting those fine lines and strands of silver.

I am a grandmother.  I am a proud grandmother, and that title doesn't make me feel older.  It makes me feel accomplished.  With Oscar's birth came survival, that of my family and my DNA.  We live on, through that sweet boy!

I've never thought I was beautiful, I never thought I was smart or really ever good enough for anyone or anything.  Having kids did give me a purpose in life, though I'm not the best at it.  I go to bed praying to not make the same mistakes every night and wake up hopeful and pray I am better at it.

I realize none of us are perfect, and I never really strive to be perfect-I just strive to not be totally and utterly shitty.  I realize we all deserve love, to give it and receive it.  And every day I learn a little something new about love, forgiveness, human nature and just how to be kinder in this really busy, really mean world.

As a girl I was bullied in school when I was young.  Girls making fun of me because my clothes were not up to their standards.  I was shy, and didn't fight back against it.  As I approached middle/high school I grew taller, taller then a lot of the boys.  So boys then would tease me because I wasn't small and voluptuous as most of the other girls.  My breasts didn't get larger until I had children.  I was shy, and still didn't fight back.  I allowed people to call me stork or tease me because I didn't have large breasts.

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror I still see that weird, awkward shy girl.  I don't feel sorry for her, or myself (yes I know I am talking about the same "person").  I just wish I could feel GOOD about myself-and not allow these ancient remarks rule my thoughts sometimes and bring me down.

I grew up just not wanting to be in the way, or to be noticed.  And I still run my life that way.  I get anxious in traffic or at the grocery store because I know that I am in someones way, causing them grief just by being there.  I don't like to reach out to friends, especially if they have not reached out to me in a while-because I figure there is a reason they are not emailing, texting or calling and I don't want to bother them and make them feel like they need to respond.  I think that makes people think I don't give a rats ass about them or that I have "moved on" but trust me-that's not the case.  I don't feel equip sometimes to have friends or strong relationships with woman, due to this.  But it is something I long for, to have a real friendship-someone I can call or that can call me and meet up to shop, have dinner-or just hang out at each others house having wine.

Don't get me wrong (man I sound like a cry baby)...I do have great relationships with my mom, my step mom, my two sisters & my husbands sisters.  But it's not the same is it?

I've sort of just started settling in.....not really being very proactive in my own life in the ways of health, skin care, career, all of it really.  I've gotten "comfortable" with being "uncomfortable".  Say what?  Yeah!  I have to get off my ass, start to enjoy this life a little more and stop being so scared to be in the damn way, or what people may think of me if they see me out there living my best life!

Anyway, here is a recent "selfie" taken just this morning-because I put on make up and thought it looked good-until I took this selfie lol!  Yay me!  But whatever-I am trying to be better at documenting-so.....consider this done :)

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Home

Yesterday was particularly stressful for me at work, and I carried home my bad mood to my family.  I was not warm and loving like I can be, I was short & visibly annoyed.  Prior to my husband getting home, I had started dinner but noticed we were lacking two items for me to complete the dinner prep, so I asked him to stop after he picked up Miss O from after school.  He obliged-as he normally does.  They got home as I was just about done getting what I could complete, and Olivia and her daddy had bought me, as an extra treat my favorite drink.  Even that didn't seem to turn my mood around, sadly and looking back on it this morning I feel like such a shit head.  My husband had a meeting later that evening, so I was trying to get dinner done before he had to leave as I figured he was hungry, but instead of asking for help or anything, I just let my disapproval of him sitting in his chair relaxing get the best of me (as I had, as I mentioned a very stressful hard day at work and all I wanted to do was relax and do NOTHING).  When dinner was done, I was platting everything and he pops up and comes into the kitchen, and at that point I lost my composure and was rather nasty as I lashed out at him at how I could finish THIS up...and how he was just going to get in the way.  Did he deserve me to act like a turd towards him because he was coming in there to make his plate?  No.  I guess not, and I felt bad about it after I acted like a child-but it didn't stop me did it?

So today, as I mindlessly drive into work I notice a homeless man sitting on the side of a barrier that separated the road I was driving on from the sidewalk.  He was just sitting there, alone in the dark looking rather sad.  In fact, I normally don't feel much of anything when I see people around town, homeless or other wise - but this particular man made me feel rather shitty about myself.  Look at how much I take for granted.  I ruined for myself, a perfectly lovely evening with my entire family because I  was in a bad mood!  Shame on me.

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let me stop you right there.....

I want to be a better person.  Sure I've done some good things, things that maybe other people wouldn't have the heart to do - but that doesn't make me a good person - a better person.  I find that I have a lot of rage when I am driving, at other drivers.  Something that makes me feel bad about myself, when I am saying the "f" world to totally strangers while I drive smugly in my little white hatchback.  Sometimes I get tired of saying "oh forgive me for that" under my breath when I let my anger towards bad drivers get the better of me.  Let me add really quick that my rage/anger doesn't make me feel like hurting anyone, never has - just makes me yell (alone in my car-where no one can hear me) and cuss.  It's the cussing and angry tone that I want to change.

It's so funny typing these words now, because I told myself I wouldn't be doing any real new years resolutions - but I do want to be-as I have said before, a better person.

How does one totally change their bad habits like that, I say habit because it's something I've indulged myself with isn't it?  Driving alone, 2-2 1/2 hours a day for 25+ years....yeah, you pick up some bad habits.

I guess the first step is to admit you have a problem, right lol!  Well here I am, admitting it.  I am flawed, so hopelessly flawed.

I want to be a thinner person.  And not that I want to be skinny, but I do want to be thinner then I am now.  I'll admit, openly and not just to my daughter Teresa - but it is uncomfortable to cut my own toenails and paint them.  There I said it!  I got a Fitbit for Christmas (something I asked for, don't send my husband hate mail just yet) and I have been trying to use the WW app for several years now.  What's my problem?  I am like the biggest asshole to myself!

I want to be less of an asshole.  I mean, seriously - what the hell?  What gives me the right to be such an asshole?  I let the frustrations and sadness of other people affect me to much.  If someone I work with is having issues with their husband, I go home and be an asshole to my husband.  Seriously, WTH lol!  Now granted, most of the time he deserves the attitude, am I right ladies?

Well, here's to further self discovery and improvement - Cheers!

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I'm Tired!

Why does it seem like everyone gets a break but me?

When I want a day off from work, I still have to manage things like getting a child to school & home from school Monday through Friday.  When I want a day off work, I still have to cook, clean and do laundry.  Did I mention, I am "just the stepmom"....and I say that not because that is how I feel.  Not that part anyway, but often I do feel a bit put upon by everyone in my family, and not in my family.

Maybe, early on-I took on to much, trying to be so helpful and useful, so I didn't dwell in my own misery-I cannot say because that was so long ago, all I do know is that I would love to have a day off work, and a day off home.  A real day at home without anyone needing me for anything, but just me reading, knitting, or cooking something I want to cook and enjoy.

Do all moms feel like this?

xoxo, Lela

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Wrapping Things Up

To say that the last six-seven years haven't been hard on me, and hard on my family - would be an understatement.  Who am I kidding really, it has nearly destroyed me and destroyed my family.  Looking back, I can see how far we have come-looking forward I can see how far we have yet to go.

A family going through, what I consider a tragedy really changes things.  It not only makes you re-evaluate your partner but yourself.  You can really only go down one of two paths.  You either forgive and learn to live on or you choose to forgive and learn to move on.  You all know what path my family chose.  And it's been a long winding road that has not been without it's joys.  It has not been all tears and screaming.

As my heart and mind have mended, and as my family has slowly gotten itself out of this fog I can now really sit back and reflect on what I've gained and what I have lost, without looking at it in such a negative light.  We lost the innocence of our marriage, and for a really long while-our trust & maybe even our love for each other.  Betrayal does that to someone.

During our struggle to get back on solid ground we gave up so much too.  We gave up owning a beautiful Yorkie, we gave up a brand new boat, we gave up on buying a house, we gave up friends & family members, we gave up on days and days of loving and honoring each other.

We gained a beautiful, loving, tender, compassionate child.  We learned new ways to love ourselves and each other.  We learned about compassion and way more about trust and understanding the human condition then I think either of us wanted to know.

I am, after a really long time, proud of my family and proud of who we have become.  I am happy to start thinking about buying a home now and really putting down some roots, roots that will run deep and creating a beautiful life for us to enjoy in our golden years.  Which, sadly isn't to far off (insert awkward laughter).

I'm not perfect, we're not perfect.  We stumble and we fall, but we have learned that getting up and dusting ourselves off won't kill us.  It will only make us stronger.

xoxo, Lela

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Disappointments

I have been seeing a lot of people posting things on facebook (family and friends) about how they've been disappointed by people in their lives recently.  Some decided to cut their losses and terminate the relationship others still linger on, hoping for a different outcome next time, hoping that the other person will eventually see the "light" and stop hurting them.

What is the right thing to do?  Do you just give up on the people you love the most in the world, do you just cut that best friend out of your life that you've know since you were five years old?  Do you separate from your husband of 10 years, who you have children with?

Everyone has an opinion on this.  Everyone's opinion is based on so many different factors, such as how they were brought up (what their morals are), their own life experiences (and what that taught them), and their level of trust and ability to withstand pain.  Some people can take this type of disappointment from individuals they love their entire lives - some can't even take it the first time they are let down.  And the rest of us are sort of in the middle some place.

What is is the right thing to do?  No one can really tell you can they?  They can simply tell you what they'd do, and they base it on the people they know & love.  But they also base it on a situation that they themselves are not even experiencing.

I cannot tell you the hundreds of people that told me they could never put up with or deal with what I've been through with Billy and Olivia.  Each time those words are spoken to me, I cringe just a little bit more.  I rarely say anything back to the person, mostly I just smile because I know they are not being 100% honest with themselves or to me and I also know they mean it from a good place, mostly.

The truth is, we don't know what we'd do.  Our reaction is different every time, due to how we are feeling or what else we are going through in life.

All we can really truly do is just try to be a better version of ourselves every single day.  Try to be smarter, faster, leaner, better in every way.  We can try not to be the one going out making poor decisions that effect and hurt the ones we love the most in this world.

When I say life is short, I don't mean it to say "life is short you need to forgive..." or "life is to short to be with a son-of-a-bitch like that".  I just mean it is short, it is precious.  Find the people that make you happy, find someone that doesn't disappoint you - build on that relationship.  Re-evaluate your relationships with friends and family that lack the same morals as you do & maybe put them on the back burner for a while - while you nurture yourself and your healthy relationships.

Who knows what I am saying, I am just another asshole with an opinion.

xoxo, Lela

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DD, and I don't mean Dunkin'Donuts

So yesterday was your typical day, I got up, I went to work & I came home.  Nothing crazy, the only difference is Miss O has been sick lately and so she stayed home with me on Monday & then dad the rest of the week.  Well I guess, at some point our little darling decided to sneak off and do something naughty.....picture this....

It's 8pm, bedtime!  Our little sweet heart is sitting in her room watching "her shows" when I walk into her room and immediately smell....you guessed it POOP!  She doesn't pay me much attention until I say "why does it stink in here, it smells like Poop Olivia!"  She looks up at me, faking being confused and says not a word.  Billy is behind me, and quickly says - "I don't smell anything, what are you talking about".....I continued to grill the girl about the smell in her room when she finally says she doesn't want us to be mad at her.....now, this obviously has old poop that happened earlier in the day, and I quickly decided I was done - this one I was leaving dad to figure out, find and deal with.....which he did.

Turns out, our princess decided to poop into a pot that goes to her kiddie kitchen and store it under her bed, out of sight - but not out of smell - good Lord did that room stink!  I guess after the ordeal, of cleaning up the pan and searching for more of her little devils donuts he decided that the smell must have leaked into her skin & decided to give her another bath.  I just sat in my recliner - trying not to laugh as he confusingly questions her on why she would do that.....lol!

When he finally was done, and came out of her room I asked him "Well, did you finally smell it then dear?" to which he gives me the "fuck you Lela" look that he's famous for!

xoxo, L

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Forgiveness & Love

I have a lot of shit to say, and some of it isn't friendly - so I am glad that no one really reads my blog.  But I've had a lot of my mind lately.

This particular blog was set up as a way to post/host photos of the kids growing up, and just our active life.  At first it was just me and the boys and so I had it named something appropriate to that - and then it was me and the two Johnson's and I changed the name to incorporate my new life with B&X, and my boys.  Honestly, I loved that name & blog.  It was called "More than Johnson's" and that is what it was, what we were - and that is still the case - but after O was introduced into our lives, and when that entire situation was happening - I needed to disassociate myself from the "Johnson" name - as I honestly didn't think my marriage with my husband was going to survive such a betrayal and such heartbreak.  I didn't think I had it in me.

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Waiting for Lela

One of the hardest things I've had to do in my life, aside from forgiving B - was waiting for myself to return.  The loss, anger, disappointment and well trauma (yes trauma) you feel from such a betrayal leaves you much changed.  It leaves you alone.  It leaves you very very much alone, and before you know it you do not even know yourself anymore - you've turned into this bitter hateful person, who can do nothing but lash out at the one(s) that brought you the pain.  Often these lashes are subtle and no one would really ever notice (or blame you).  In fact, B had taken on the role of being my emotional punching bag for the better part of three years while I wanted for Lela to return to my heart, my soul and my mind.

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Suffering the Sins of Our Husbands

Loving someone else's child isn't hard, it's rather easy actually.  There is nothing special about me because I opened my heart, home and lives to someone else's daughter.  I am not a better person then anyone else because of how I love her or how I am with her.  I do appreciate it when people compliment me on being a good mother period, but to generalize it towards O is sometimes hurtful.  She's not the lucky one, I am.  That beautiful little soul doesn't have to love me, she has a mother-but she does.  And the love of a child is priceless and precious.

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Our Little Family!

 Thanks to my sister in law, this year we did get a few snaps of us as a "family"; of course we're missing the two oldests...but who knows if we'll ever all be together again!

The boys being silly......but O sure thought it was funny!

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Holidays Are Near

The holidays are riding upon us.  I have decided to start my Christmas shopping just a little early this year, I actually started in October!  A lot of the stuff is small & the kids didn't even ask for it, but I found it-thought it was cute & decided to just order it.  The boys are already showing signs of excitement, it's rather adorable.  I can't wait to spend this valuable time with them, this year Christmas week falls on my weeks with O&W....fantastic, that mean's I'll be home with them all week & get all that great time with all of them.  The plans for X are still up in the air.  I would have hoped we would have planned something with his mom by now, but we have not heard & B told me to not mention it, that it wasn't my responsibility to make sure they saw each other that it was hers-and I hear him, but I still care for X and I care about his needs and desires-whatever they may be, and maybe I am reaching.

Last night, at the baseball game-I walk up as the boys are all out in the outfield warming up.  X is the closest to the fence that I am walking past to head towards the bleachers to take my seat.  He sees me and says "MOM".....and it warmed my heart.  I really am a lucky "mom" to be given the opportunity to raise two amazing bonus children.  God knew what he was doing when he gave me these two crazy people.

So those are all good things, I bet you're wondering what I have to rant & rave about?  Well, one thing I've noticed about social media is that there are so many people out there shaming others into donating to various Go Fund Me pages, they post the link on their page over and over again - begging or asking people to donate to this "good cause" and trust me, they all sound like good causes & I would never begrudge someone help if they really needed it - but the people asking, and making a fuss-if you look at the donors...they have not even donated.  Maybe they feel they are doing their part by "putting it out there so more can see & more can give..." and that is their contribution, but the feeling of self gratification is what bugs me.  Ah well.  If that's my only complain this week I guess it's not so bad...but it's not, hahaha.  Best Buy, I could write a book about how pissed I am at them right now!

xoxo, Lela

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Not a gift from God-sorry!

Recently, I came across a lot of screen shots I had saved from when I was dealing with my husbands infidelity.  As I was going through them, I thought about how far I have come & that I could finally delete them & wipe them off the face of the earth.  I came across one that the other woman was publicly thanking God for something....small miracles I think is how she put it.  What she was actually thanking, on her page for the world to see - was the fact that I had asked him to leave once I found out about her.  So he had basically been "kicked to the curve"...and she was thanking God for this & for this situation.  I had read text messages between the two of them at the time it was all going on and she mentioned God a bunch of times and how wonderful God was for bringing them together.

Well.  The truth is, lady-just in case you're confused still by this....God will never send you someone else's husband.

We live in a world were self gratification takes precedence over decency.

This is now how I raised my children, and not how I continue to raise my children.  They are learning to stop and think before doing things that could not only hurt themselves, but the others around them.  And to have shame & humility - so they will not have to say sorry later for the things the shouldn't have done today.

xoxo, Lela

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6th Anniversary

Well, this past weekend was my sixth wedding anniversary with hubs.  We had planned a semi-romantic weekend away to Georgia; just the two of us - but the weekend didn't go as planned.  It was our weekend with all three kids-and we had a hard time finding someone to watch them.  Ah well, plans change all the time-why would an anniversary day be any different.

We wanted until Sunday evening to go out and celebrate, having dinner at a local dive in Lake City that we like to frequent.  It was enjoyable & I will forward to another year of annoying my dear sweet hubs.

I was hoping to get a few photos of me and hubs together, but by the time he was done getting ready I forgot all about it....this particular "selfie" was taken while waiting for him to get done.  Who knew a guy could take so long to get ready for a dinner date?  LOL!  He takes way longer then I do.

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Today.

Today was the first day of school.  As you can see by the look on the boys faces-they were not to excited.  Olivia and I had a good day, waiting for them to come home though.

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It's calling my NAME!!!

One thing is true today, I wish I was on the beach some place - enjoying some wonderful weather & a cocktail!  I would love this if I was alone & I would love this if I had company with me.

Have you ever vacationed alone?  When you did were you married or single, if you did?  Is it weird to want to do this, while you're married w/children?

It probably doesn't help that I am stuck inside a ice cold building for 10+ hours four days a week.

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4TH OF JULY WEEKEND

So this weekend we did a little scalloping....now I don't eat them & neither does Billy (or the kids for that matter) but we joined mom & Jonny for the day Sunday before we picked up the kids & had a great time!

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Not looking back ya'll

So, it's universally true-I am a big mushy sap.  I hear "phrases" sometimes about life & I get all teary & choked up.  It's pathetic really, because to the outside world I seem like a cold hard bitch, no?  I mean, I really don't know honestly how other people truly feel about me-I have my suspensions lol!  But I've never asked-or really cared I guess either for the most part.  But now, sitting her I wonder.

As I was driving into work today, I was constantly looking in my rear view mirror to see if any of the fellow drivers were catching up to me.  I like to be in the lead you see, anyway....when I looked back at the road in front of me I thought-"hell I better pay attention to what's in front of me and not worry about those yahoos..." but really, I am the dumb ass for not just looking forward....not just paying attention to what's in front of me, giving to much thought to what's behind me...

Having that thought made me think about my five year struggle to get my mind, heart and soul back to what it once was-back in my glory day...when I was carefree with my love, trust & time.....I should be more focused on my future and not my past...because I frankly do not what that shit to catch up with me.  I like it being in the distance.  It's not far enough away that I cannot see it, but it certainly isn't touching me anymore!  THANK THE LORD!

Anyway, thinking about that gave me a tear....I am so proud of myself for all the progress I have made-seriously, who would have thought?

With all that said, here is a photo I took years ago of a beautiful orchid that I have since killed :(

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