Welcome Back!

As an adult, I have not been a church-going Christian.  I have, of course, always believed in God and always believed in the teachings I learned growing up in a church of Jesus and lived my life somewhat according to those teachings.  I have of course, strayed and sinned.  Recently, watching the spiritual growth of my oldest son and his wife, along with the ongoing spiritual growth of my oldest daughter and child, I have given much thought about my own life and my own afterlife.

I can only say, that during my adult life, I still pray at night daily, but I have moved away from praying at meal time and during special moments of my life for whatever reason.  The base and belief is there, but lack of support, education that is freely expressed, and dedication to be honest just haven't been there.

Today, along with Billy and Olivia, we watched church together and did bible study afterward.  I not only learned what I should be working on better, but I also learned that Billy is much more religious and knowledgeable than I ever knew or understood.  He also grew up in the church, having a grandfather who was a minister and a pretty devout mom.  It was refreshing that he participated and really expressed a lot of his own feelings that he has been having, and his thoughts on the bible and just learning more.  He even confessed to wanting to start a podcast where like-minded people could get together and discuss the bible as well as questions and thoughts people may have.

Olivia led the discussion, using the SOAP method, and it was a fun, enlightening experience.  I'd love to find an in-person church to attend-perhaps we even just go once a month to Gavin & Jennifer's house to attend an in-person sermon.

I hope I can be forthright with my Christianity and not a closet Christian out of being embarrassed that people will look down on me or question the reasons why I am turning more to the Lord and his teachings.  I am either around a lot of judgmental people or I am very insecure about my own thoughts, whichever one of those is the truth I hope to root it out and make a change either way.

I hope to express my thoughts on my blog, not for readers of course, because no one reads this thing, but it is a wonderful journal!

The great thing about God is that he is very welcoming and it doesn't matter how long you've been away, he is always there to welcome you back with open arms.  I am ready for this new adventure and new life.

Amen,

XOXO, Lela

Read more

Moral High Ground

I can never take someone seriously when they post political rants or memes on social media that follow what they believe and want no one to say anything negative, but they will be the first within seconds to be snarky or try to block someone if they post the slightest thing they disagree with.

I can never respect someone who uses their political beliefs as a "moral high ground" while all they are doing is posting political rants or memes on social media and getting into typing wars (or trying to) with people who disagree with them.  This isn't the type of person who really brings anything to the table, except misery.  You can't even be friends with someone like this, let alone have a polite conversation with them.

I think maybe I could respect or understand a person like this if they were actually doing something with all that passion.  Like going to events, protests, donating money to a political cause, you know, something other than just posting shit and getting in online fights, then playing the victim when you piss someone off.

Someone said to me recently that some people in our family are lucky we are a kind and loving bunch.  But don't mistake our silence or laughing off the stupid shit as weakness - we just literally don't care enough about you to even try to figure out what your problem is.

Read more

Things I wish I could/would have said.....

 There has been a relationship fracture between a family member and me recently, due to some public shaming on her part.  When I expressed how it made me feel, the part that was directed towards me, said person just turned the focus back on themselves, bragged about themselves and how great they are and basically told me my reasons were shit.  And that is fine, I remained respectful because one thing you will never catch me doing is poking a mentally ill person, or someone going through something hard, just to make myself feel better.  I do not sink lower.  I try to remain kind.  But over the years, I have started taking notes on my phone of things I wish I had said.  Here are just a few, in honor of my quiet falling out with a family member.

1. Why are you speaking to me this way?  Are you okay?
2. Adults are allowed to communicate frustration without it being considered a character flaw or personality disorder.
3. This is my life and I am going to live it the way that I want to, just as you do!
4. I am going to live my life how I want, and if you are not ok with that.  Bye.
5. Fuck off!
6. Fuck all the way off!!
7. I don't need you to understand how I live my life because I do not judge or understand yours.
8. If it costs me my peace, it is going to cost you my presence.
9. I do not need advice from a person who is living a life that is not the best example of anything!
10. After finding on a Christmas wish list "grandparents for my kids", I wish for a better son-in-law, but here we are!

xoxo, Lela

Read more

Oh IDK.....

 Is it just me, or is it normal to want to just shave your entire head of hair and start from scratch?  The only reason I have not shaved my head alone in my house, like a sad sad loser, is because my oldest son just got engaged, and the rumor is that he will be getting married to his gorgeous fiancé in February 2026.  I cannot be bald for that I guess.  I want to look like a normal, non-crazy human for their photos.

Menopause has just caused me to have some strange texture, and strange feelings about said texture.  I literally cannot stand how my hair looks right now.  Not only is the texture off, but it is thinning and not just all over, but literally at the crown.  Anyway, the point is I feel very unattractive at the moment and it probably has zero to do with my stupid hair but all to do with the hormones being all nutso!

HELP!

Read more

18 Days

I have been sober for 18 days.  It's not a very long time, but it's over two weeks.  To me, it's the longest time I have stopped drinking consecutively.  It is an accomplishment, and I am proud of myself.  I live among people who do not understand my struggle, and they want to minimize it or enhance it, but I am well aware of what it truly is, and I am working on that.

Today, I came out to my siblings that I am 18 days sober.  My sister, who is an alcoholic, said "good job" in one sentence and then said "why?" in another.  I said Well because I don't want to be an alcoholic, and she said, "Yeah, but why.....jk".  It really put me instantly in a bad mood.  Why do people have to defend why they decided not to drink anymore?  If I were a crack addict, would they say the same thing?  "Why are you giving up crack?"

I would never say that to someone who is struggling, but maybe she doesn't know I am struggling because I do my drinking in private, and it never involves anyone else.  It's not dramatic, and I don't cause issues or problems for anyone when I am drinking.

I don't get into fights with people.  I don't piss myself and get lost and have to have my parents come get me.  I don't run off to a bar, drunk, and back into my child's car while other family members are trying to prevent me from leaving.

It is disheartening to know that your family cannot support you.  Not in the way you need, so I guess I have to distance myself from them even further-which sucks because we are already pretty distant.

Read more

New Clothes - 2025

 I have been in dire need of some new tops since I retired.  I came across a shop I used to buy a few things from every once in a while recently called Chic Soul!  They did not disappoint.  Their items are a little pricey but so cute right?  Because my order was more than $30 I got a free black pullover (not pictured) and because my order was over $100 I also got free shipping.

If you want to get a few things, here is the link:  www.chicsoul.com 

A few weeks ago, I ordered some tops from Torrid that should be in today, here they are (so cute)

Read more

It's Been A While

 It's been a while since I published a blog post.  I don't really have any excuses to share with you about why.  I can say we have been busy, but we are all busy.  No one really reads my blog anyway, so there is also that.  I used to do this for my mental health, because saying what I want on Facebook, X, or Instagram just seems weird, and opens me up for criticism and judgment.  Not that I care really, but I also want to be just like everyone else and just be able to be myself, but it seems I live in a world (or family) where I am the last person who is able to just be themselves without people taking it personally. I am the only one that has to be perfect.  Which I am not.  And I am the only one that gets punished for not being perfect.  It's a weird dynamic, but it often keeps me quite, at home, alone.

Anyway, I am trying to get back on my health journey and get my weight back under control.  2020-2021 was a very hard year, and our family suffered through a lot.  We are slowly coming back to our normal way of thinking and operating.  We have had a few really hard years with hurricanes damaging our home (3 in fact).  So there has been that on top of everything else.

I am not complaining.  I love my life, even when it is difficult.  I love the people God placed in them.  With that being said, I am going to try to blog more!  Share some of my favorite days, recipes, and homeschool challenges as well as homeschool wins.

xoxo, Lela
p.s. enjoy this portrait of Miss O :) 

Read more